New Year's Resolutions...

It's that time again...time for the annual New Year's Resolutions. The time and space where we list the most ridiculous (and not so ridiculous) plans for 2007 to make ourselves better people, and to accomplish all those great things that seemingly become forgotten by February 1st. With that being said, I've begun my list for 2007:

- Spend more time with my husband. Individual time...quality time. Not, let's run to the grocery store time.

- Further my education. This does not have to be in the form of actual schooling, but I want to learn more about something. It doesn't even have to be school related, or degree related. I just want to enlighten myself more. Anyone have any suggestions?

- Focus on my health. Ah, the innevitable blip about how I do not focus enough on my health goals, and therefore every year challenge myself to do something about it. This year will be no different. At least, in the challenge that is. Hopefully, with some due dilegence, the outcome will change. Focus includes getting rid of excess weight, unwanted cough, blood pressure medicine, and crazy pills. Crazy pills would be an amazing feat....those are likely with me for life.

- Be happier. Stop going through the motions of life and enjoy them. Take some time to stop and smell the roses.

- See friends and family more. Spend that free time seeing people that you don't normalily get to. See friends as much as possible. Visit family as much as possible.

- Plan outings. Go to them.

- Eliminate something significant off that "always wanted to do list." Current ideas: make the t-shirt quilt (this could also serve as the education, since I would need both to complete this task), jump out of a plane, visit California, just to name a few. Ideas?

- Get myself promoted and out of this current position as near as possible to September 1st. This goal is actually carried over from 2006, but can not be accomplished earlier than the September 1st date. I told myself I'd be in this position for a year...Sept. 1st will be the one year date.

- Do not quit my job in March. Sounds silly, I know, but I have a track record of 3.5 years with a company. March 07 will be my 3.5 year mark. I don't have any intentions of leaving, and do not really want to, but it all starts out that way. If I do leave, make it worth while.

- Love more, argue less. Smile more, pout less.

- Overcome my cold calling weaknesses.

- Don't get fired.

- Learn to love my current position.

- Complete this list prior to December 31, 2007.

And the beat goes on and on....

Relationships and confusing things. I wish it was possible to see the outcome of life, or at least in the romance department. I don't understand why things have taken the path that they have, and why no clear outcome has come of it yet. Is it my fault? Is it no one's fault? Is it everyone's fault?

I spent another Christmas Eve spending time with Ian. This is the third year in a row that I've ended up spending time with him on Christmas Eve. I have not seen him in six months...not since the day after his father's funeral, when he came over. The day he told me he loved me, and I told him his father told me a couple of things that someday I would share with him. I have tried, time and time again to spend time together - with Ben and without. Everytime I try, he blows me off, it seems, or at least has so many more important things to do. So, six months has passed and nothing.

I called him most recently to get together for his birthday - our annual thing where we spend the greater part of the day together, usually just the two of us. It's a nice time...just hanging out and doing whatever - nothing in particular, just enjoying each other's company. So, on his birthday weekend, we couldn't get together. The following weekend, we couldn't get together. But on Wednesday, he called me and said he wanted to get together this weekend. I figured he'd just end up blowing me off again, but we did end up getting together, at his house, on Sunday afternoon.

Maybe I over-analize things...maybe I don't. But it seems like when I'm with him, I hand on every word, and find the power behind each thing that either of us, or anyone around us for that matter, has to day. Sunday was no different.

I was hurt and mad when I text him at 8am and told him to call when he got up and had not heard from him when I called him at 10am. I hung out in the area for a while (I was dog sitting for Melissa) and finally gave up...I was pretty pissed that I was being blown off again. But finally, around 1pm, he called and said he just got up. He wanted to know what we were doing, and whether I was going over there, or he was coming over here. I told him here wasn't good (too messy) and he said the same about his place and that his mom had a friend coming over. I wondered if he had alterior motives.

He didn't call again me until 3pm, asking me to finally come over, after running a bunch of errands. I was kind of mad - because I think he knew full well I was going to not be able to stay long, since it was Christmas Eve. Again, I wondered if he alterior motives - maybe to see how long he could keep me there, away from Ben.

When I arrived at the house, he was waiting outside for me...gave me a big, almost awkward hug, and we went inside. He immediately took me to his room, which had moved places since I was last there. He now has the other master, a beautiful room that's extremely spacious and inviting. He showed me new awards and pictures, of his Escrema training, and events he had attended. My jealousy raged when I saw one of the girls that continued showing up in the pictures next to him, almost like they were together (I found out later that she is a part of his Escrema crew - jealousy disappeared). He showed me his new weapons, and then told me about training, and showed me this saraong that his master's wife had made him. He was showing me training moves he could do with the saraong and kept typing up my hands. Again, I wondered if there was an alterior motive. Wishful thinking?? LOL!

So, we went out on the back patio, and hung out there for a while. I don't think we were there more than 30 minutes alone, and his mother arrived home. She came outside and gave me a big hug, followed by the third degree about myself...work, Ben, life in general. We talked about Christmas gifts and what I got Ben, and she mortified Ian by talking about his underwear habits (what is it about boys and holey underwear??). From that point on, she didn't allow us out of her site.

It was very clear she was trying to keep us seperated...although, I felt like it was more keeping me from him, than him from me. Nothing was happening, but I'm sure she sensed the interaction between us. I talked for a long time about quilting and such with him, and I can tell she adores me...so I don't understand why she felt she had to put herself between us. Her and Ian had several moments where they had "private" whisper conversations, all of which I know had to do with me.

Mary asked how Ben and I met....and Ian listened, but said nothing. I knew that I was opening up old wounds...because as I told the story, he realized that it began when we were ending. I felt so bad....but what could I do? I had to answer the question.

After a while, I knew I had to get out of there - just because of her looming over us like a mother hen (believe me, it upset me, but I wanted time alone with him) - and we went over and took Melissa's dog for a walk. It was nice walking with him - but I was dying for him to reach for my hand or pull me close or something that would show an inkling of emotion, and nothing. Sometimes he distanced himself behind me, sometimes in front of me, and sometimes he walked right behind me...but I never felt like we were definitely walking "together."

He's a hard person to read - that I know. When I left, he gave me a hug...almost an awkward one but a big bear hug, like normal. I felt like we both wanted, needed to talk about that conversation and my letter, but we didn't. And I feel almost like it put a distance between us. I told him I didn't want another six months to go by without seeing each other...and he agreed, but not so convincingly.

Yesterday, I text him. He didn't reply for several hours later. It wasn't important, just well wishes, but none the less, he didn't respond right away. I don't know why that bothered me. When he did, he sent me two messages, both of which Ben checked. Luckily, nothing that would upset him was sent (not that anything inappropriate would be, but still...he's sensitive). I called him around 8pm to wish him Merry Christmas and I almost felt like I was blown off.

Why do I get so insanely jealous without knowing anything? Why can't I accept that he told me he loves me...whatever way that means? Why do I obsess over him? And why is it that as a I walked through his house, I've never been more comfortable, never felt more at home, or loved and accepted, in my life? Why is it that I could see myself living there in the future...with him? Why is this all so messed up???

Today's Theme Song...

I close my eyes and I see a freak, I think it's me and I'm afraid to speak

I keep on going from week to weakness way out in a line.

I dream of lives we could have had before, but the heat is broke down open doorways.

Friends of yours will tell me more what happens in your mind

Can we try and take the high road though we don't know where it ends

I want to be your Crystal Baller

I want to show you how it ends

Macrame queens in the afternoon and I'm in tune or did I speak too soon

Punch drunk on somebody's joke, what happened to the time

A footnote in your dance of days, In my mind that record still plays

Still wonder what the fuck it says, and hoping there is time

Can we try and take the high road though we don't know where it ends

I want to be your Crystal Baller

I can show you how it ends

Can we talk about tomorrow and the promise that it brings

I want to be your Crystal Baller, I want to show everything

I wonder what the whole things for, I wonder what the whole things for

In the moment you were screaming at me I would have been somebody else

And the patrons of the pub keep singing

Macrame queens in the afternoon and I'm in tune or did I speak too soon

Punch drunk on somebody's joke what happened to the time

I dream of lives we could have had before where the heat is broke down open doorways

Like waiting for a trick to score, It seems that way some times

I wonder where were all going, I'm homesick for your primal knowing

I wonder why the wind keeps blowing you through my mind

Try and take the high road remember we were friends

I want to be your Crystal Baller

I want to be your diamond ring

The one I never gave you and the promise that it brings

Let me be your Crystal Baller

I will show you everything.

I'll be your Crystal Baller

I shot the sheriff...but I didn't shoot the deputy.

I went shooting for the first time yesterday. Ben, his dad, and I went to the Ocala National Forest and did some target shooting. The boys said I did really good for a first timer...I shot some kind of rifle, a bunch of handguns, and had a great time. Ironically, I favored the gun that had the most kick - but I guess that's kinda fitting to my personality.

I have to say, shooting has an invigorating feeling to it. I'm not dying to go out and shoot again, but I did like the feeling of knowing I had control and that I could now protect myself if someone broke in or attacked me. I plan to do some more shooting in the future and to get better at it...maybe some day I'll buy a gun (for protection, of course). Regardless, it was fun, and I had a great time, and I can't wait to do it again!!!

Who says age ain't nothing but a number?

Yesterday, Ben and I went do dinner at Ruby Tuesday's in the mall. As we were getting ready to leave, a bus boy walked up to the table next to me....I looked over by habit, and realized that it was an old friend from high school. We caught up on times, and I realized how much he had changed. For the better, and I say that with the comment that he was my friend before, and I was happy with who he was (hence, he was my friend), but that I'm glad to see that he's gotten his life more together than in the past (if he's reading this, he'll know what I mean). The thought crossed my mind on the way home that time goes by so fast....I think he's the first person from high school that I've ran into that actually changed - isn't still caught in the high school drama, still holding on to old grudges or memories, and has actually made an effort to do something worthwhile with his life. I'm proud of him. =)

However, ironically enough, I stopped at Sam's today and decided to get my car washed. Some kids were running a chairty car was, the Jeep needed it, and I had to run inside. I didn't ask questions, just made a donation, and went about my business. When I got back to the Jeep, they were still working on it, so I struck up a conversation. Come to find out, these kids were from my high school - despite two high schools being closer to where I was, and about a twenty mile trek from SLHS. Talking to these kids, I heard how much had changed, and was reminded about how glad I was to have those years over, and that life behind me. I chatted up one girl in particular (she was tired of washing cars, I'm sure), and as I walked away to get into my car, I told her, "Do yourself a favor....get out of Clermont after graduation. It's the best decision you'll ever make." She looked at me like I was crazy, and just said, "Okay" to appease me. Poor girl....she'll never learn.

Wow...

Okay, so this is going to sound somewhat retarded....but have you ever had one of those moments where you are watching a movie or television show and you suddenly realize that it's paralleling your life?

I was watching a movie today (which will remain nameless, as I do not want to will this into reality, despite it's already existance), and realized that it was like I was looking at my future....every conversation, every look, every moment, every comment, every everything.....the only difference is that it took place in Chicago, while I lay claim to Orlando. Minor difference...

Finding Noel, Part 2

I finished the book last night....I couldn't put it down. So, here's the rest of what I found valuable:

- Life had taught her that no good day went unpaid for.

- All psychiatrists have issues. Why do you think they became psychiatrists?

- When it comes to hurting children we cannot claim ignorance. Every adult I've ever met has once been a child And some have become more so.

- I have puzzled over the phrase "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Does that mean people intend well but never actually do it? Or that they do good things with bad results? I suppose it doesn't matter much. Either way the right thing doesn't get done.

- Tomorrow my world changes.

- I believe that whatever good or evil we do in this life eventually comes back to us. But in the sace of rampant evil, it brings its friends.

- Sometimes you can't go home again.

- Some people make life harder than it needs to be.

- Oftentimes the greatest hurts in our lives come from running from the smaller ones.

- Sometimes love happens so gradually that by the time you realize you're in it, you're already cooked.

- When you've finally met the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

- Usually life's greatest gifts come wrapped in adversity.

- I have never felt truly at ease around the clean, shiny people of this world. Life has taught me the most trustworthy and honest are usually those who are frayed around the edges. Not always but usually.

- "And then one day I had this epiphany. I realized that being a parent was like being the Wizard of Oz." / I remembered what Macy had said earlier about Joette's life philosophy and I had to hide my amusement. "What do you mean?"/ "You know the part when Dorothy and her friends go to see the Wizard? This big, ominous head talks to them and they're all terrified. The her dog..."/ "Toto, " I said. / "Right. Toto pulls back teh curtain and there's a little man behind it pulling levers and throwing switches. And he says into his microphone, "Ignore the man behind the curtain." I think that being a parent is like being the man behind the curtain. We pretend that we know what we're doing - that we're back behind the curtain throwing levers and switches, doing the best we can." / In spite of myself, I found her explanation interesting. "And then our kids find out that we're not as great as they thought we were?" / "Exactly. And then they're angry and disappointed that we can't meet their expectations - as unrealistic as they are."

- "There are things in my past. Dark things you don't know about. " / "I don't care about your past. It's your future, our future, that I'm thinking about." / "There's no difference. The past is our future." / "That is not true. We can transcend our past." / "Have you?"

- How foolish to believe we have any idea of what is relaly going on around us or that permanency is an earthly option.

- "She loves you, Mark. She's fighting it, but she does. To get through to her it's going to take a lot of faith on your part - enough for both of you. Macy's greatest hurts have come from those who were closest to her. She wants to get close to you. But think of the risk that poses to her. Everything inside her tells her to run. It's self-preservation. And that's a pretty powerful instinct." / "How do you break through that?" / She looked at me for a moment and I saw the answer in her eyes. "With love. Unconditional, unrelenting love."

- I guess it's never too late to find a home.

- I have learned first hand that one well-placed truth can counter a lifetime of ignorance.

- "I told myself it didn't matter. Hearts do that."

- "It was like she'd already given away that part of her heart."

- "That's like asking Mrs. Lincoln how the play was."

- I have come to believe that there are moments too profound to be contained in time.

- But in the meantime make the most of every moment you are blessed to have. Love. Hurt. Laugh. Cry. Dance. Stumble. And drink lots of chocolate!!!

- Remember, in the end what really matters is that you love. You'll make mistakes every day, but somehow love just washes them away like a wave cleansing the beach, and each day you start anew.

- I've come to know that our families are a canvas on which we paint our greatest hopes - imperfect and sloppy, for we are all amateurs at life, but if we do not focus too much on our mistakes, a miraculous picture emerges. And we learn that it's not the beaty of the image that warrants our gratitude - it's the chance to pain.

- Everyone brings baggage into a relationship and the two of us have more than our share. But that's just life. I once read that love is like a rose: we fixate on the blossom, but ti's the thorny stem that keeps it alive and aloft. I think marriage is like that. Like my father said, the things of greatest value are the things we fight for. And in the end, if we do it right, we value the stem far more than the blossom.

Finding Noel...

So, I started reading this amazing book yesterday. It's a new release called Finding Noel, by Richard Paul Evans. For those of you who don't know, I'm in this "self actualization" stage of life, and all the books I'm reading kinda fall into this category. Most of the are fictional stories (although almost always based on fact) and parallel beliefs about life's great mysteries: love, religion, and the pursuit of happiness.

That being said, I thought I would share quotes and excerpts from this book that I find to be valuable. It's a story of a guy who has a chance meeting with a woman, whose sheer entrance into his life because a course of change that he would never imagine. He's sufered great loss, is severly depressed, has had his heart broken, and is severly downtrodden....to the point that he is ready to end his life. Then, with one tiny incident, his life takes amazing turns...

So here's goes:

"When I was a boy, my mother told me that everyone comes into our lives for a reason. I'm not sure if I believe that's true. The thought of God weaving millions of lives together into a grand human tapestry seems a bit fatalistic to me. Still, as I look back at my life, there seem to be times when such divinity is apparent. None is more obvious to me than that winter evening when I met a beautiful young woman named Macy and there ensued the extraordinary chain of events that encounter set in place.

Of course such a theory carried to the extreme would mean that God sabotaged my car that night because, had my car's timing belt no broken at that precise moment, this story would never have happened. But it did, and my life was forever changed. Perhaps my mother was right. If God can align the planets, maybe He can do the same to our lives."

"If love isn't blind it's at least horribly nearsighted."

"I now believe that under the right circumstances we are all capable of things we'd never think possible."

'My mother used to say, "Man's extremities are God's opportunities." She also used to say, "Be kind to everyone - you don't know what cross they're bearing and how sweet that kind word might ring."

"That night was the start of a journey that taught me that one truth can change everything."

"Nothing heals the soul like chocolate," she said. " I just love chocolate. It's God's apology for broccoli."

"I can't believe I'm telling you all this."/"We always tell our deepest secrets to strangers."/"Why do you think that is?"/ "Maybe it's because they can't use them against us."

"All bad things pass with time. YOu can trust me on that."

"My mother was right. Angels do walk on earth."

"I've wondered why it is that some people come through difficult times bitter and broken while others emerge stronger and more empathetic? I've read that the same breeze that extinguishes some flames just fans others. I still don't know what kind of flame I am."

Forces of Nature

There's a balance in this world. I understand that. Ying and yang. Good and bad. Good and evil. Happy and sad. I totally buy into the idea that no good deed goes unpunished. And I also believe that for every one incident or event that takes place, three events of the opposite will happen to counter that event. I understand it. I get it. I buy into it. But, I don't understand why it happens.

It all started when I accepted the first promotion from at work...remember the one where I took over the Disney position? Things were going great - I was graduating, got promoted, moving up in the world. And then Ian's dad died. And Roxy ended up in the emergency room with a leg gashed open. Following that was a series of smaller, yet significant events that were of the negative persuasion. Then things leveled off. Life had a happy balance again, and I continued on, as though things were normal.

But alas, only a short while later, I lose my position in the company. Yes, my job was eliminated (I'm sure all of you remember that). So, there follows a stressful month of events, as I decided which path to follow, and waited the results of my interview. The positives - I got out of a dreadful work situation, I got promoted, and I was pursuing more of a positive direction in my carrier. Following that was a series of smaller, yet significant events that were of the positive persuasion...used to balance out the blow of the job elimination.

Once my promotion took shape, things headed down a negative path again. This really great event takes place where my career is shaping up, and blamo, first it's Porkchop's life threating weekend in the ER from an overdose. Then Dallas, which was fabulous, and went smoothly. But following my trip to Dallas, the best friend who I just saw in Dallas after three years, e-mails me to tell me his mother has died. Unexpectedly. From a heart attack. Following a party to celebrate her remission from cancer. Horrible and heart-wrenching. Then everything kinda stablized...life had a balance, and I braced myself, waiting for the big number three event to happen.

Like I said, things happen in three. When good happens, three bads happen. When bad happens, three goods happen. So far, there were two....I knew three was coming.

So, I thought it was over when Roxy ended up with a gashed leg again. Nope. I thought it was over when Ashley, the nextdoor neighbor, almost died in the hospital from a gallbladder surgery gone WAY wrong. Nope.

Then today....I receive a phone call from my Mom. She sounds like she's crying, but I think it's just allergies. Not too odd for my Mom to call me in the middle of the day. "Hi Mom!," I say, thinking she's calling to confirm the time for Thanksgiving dinner. "What's up?" "I had an accident," she says. You can imagine that my reaction that followed can only be put in a rated R movie, first braced with a warning that no young viewers should be allowed to watch. "Oh my God! What happened?!?!, " I cried. "I fell. I broke my arm. It's the same arm with the rod in it, and the rod went through the bone and shattered it." AGHHHH!!!!!!!!! So, here I am, approximately three hours after getting this call, waiting for news of the outcome of my mother. She spent about six hours this morning in the ER, followed by so far 4 1/2 hours at Florida Hospital, waiting to see the surgeon that put the rod in her arm. Apparently, he's supposed to fix it. Which means emergency surgery, likely today or tomorrow....and surely at least a day or so in the hospital recovering... It's now just a waiting game - I'm waiting for her or my stepfather to call me and tell me the outcome and where she'll land her feet for the day....

I hope this is number three. I don't think I can take much more than this.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed...

I'm exhausted. Shear utter and total exhaustion. I have hit that stage in the job where I am questioning what I got myself into. I know that's part of the "new job" change...where there's the honeymoon period, and then the "oh shit" period. I hit the "Oh, Shit" period somewhere between Cocoa Beach and Melbourne on Thursday morning. Two hours into my drive to my meeting with one of my customers (yes, I cover that area as well...I have a HUGE territory), I realized that I was exhausted....and tired...and worn out...and wondering if this was the right step for me. Now, I know that's normal...it's all a part of the new job jitters...but please, someone, keep reminding me that. I feel like I'm ready to jump ship, and I know it's only just begun.

Okay, to make sense of the above ramblings, let me step back a bit. I am on about my third week of 12 hour days. I have not left my house for more than a few hours every day in this three week period, and the walls are starting to close in on me. I also understand that as I get more into my job, I will be home less, and on the road more. But in the meantime, I'm getting tired of getting up at 8am, stumbling into my office in the next room, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, and getting to work.

I'm tired. I need a break. I need some rest. But most of all, I need to succeed. I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss my life outside of work. Yet, succeeding and not giving into pressure are extremely important to me right now, and thus, here I am, at 8pm at night, taking a break, yes, a break, from my work day.

Pray for me...I need all the strength I can get to get past this stage of the job. =(

The Shit, Hath Hit'ith, The Fan...

So the bomb was dropped on the Sales department today. They are doing another realignment of our Sales team, and are making adjustments and rolling up a bunch of the team members. As one executive put it to me the other day - "there will be options, and packages." The good news - this doesn't effect me. The great news - I just realized how important my new position is to the company and I just got another raise today (well, all 106 of us did).

I don't have much sympathy for the people that are being effected right now....I just went through this same thing in June. I mean, yeah, it stinks to lose your job....but, there's no such thing as security, and changes happen in the corporate world all the time. And it's not like this is a secret....these changes have been coming since April....we just didn't know how.

So, anyway....like I said, this change does not effect me, except for the pay increase, and job security (don't read into that too much...my job is secure but as I said above, there's not really any such thing as security). An extremely odd day....wow, things are going crazy right now.

I'm super busy with the new job, so forgive me for not calling or e-mailing....you all mean the world to me...I'm just consumed by my job. I worked about 12 hours today (not expected of me) and that's an average...not to mention I was in Dallas all last week. Oh, and I found out today that I'm headed back there for another 3 days, right after Thanksgiving. I'm excited, but man, talk about an odd time to do that.

Anyway, glad I dodged the bullet on this one...God's looking out for me!

P.S. - Listening to Better Days, but the Goo Goo Dolls....what a great song!!!

The past week....

Okay, so here an update for those of you wondering about Porkchop and my trip this past week...

Last Saturday evening, Ben and I came home to Porkchop temoring and panting, both uncontrolably. She was running into things and cowering. Earlier in the day, she had injested medication meant for Lilo, and we had not really thought anything about it. Lilo had been taking it for about two years with no side effects, and it was a common drug given out by vets. Six hours later, when we returned, we came home to the above. We were terrified. We immediately gave her food (she ate with the medicine, it was mixed but their bowl was empty) and water, and charcoal pills to absorb up anything that might still be in her system. Since she wasn't showing signs of improvement very quickly, we took her to the emergency vet in Casselberry (1 hr away). By the time we got there, there was still little improvement, and the vet said that she was likely blind (definitely temporary, possibly permenantly) and was not clear if she would improve. They admitted her to the hospital, placed an IV in her, and began flushing her system of the poison. The next morning, as soon as we woke up, we called. They said she had slowed with the tremors, seemed to be more alert, but still no response to light - in other words still blind. By noon, the vet techs said she had not gotten better. Terrified, Ben and I made it to visit her as quick as we could. We saw signs of improvement, but definitely a bumpy road ahead.

I did not feel like going out of town, not sure whether or not my dog would make it out of this, but had to go, and still needed to pack. I have never had a harder time packing in my life - no motivation to get it done. I had hardly any rest, and what I had was not good - I was tossing and turning like crazy with worry. Monday morning, I had to fly out early, and got up at 4:30am, in order to ensure that I was able to see Porkchop before my flight. We picked her up from the emergency vet and once Ben had dropped me off, he took her to a regular vet. They admitted her for the day, and released her that afternoon, stating she was 100% recovered. Talk about relief when I got that message!!!!!

My flight to Dallas was smooth, although I could not rest - I don't sleep well on planes. Not to mention we were in the last seats of the plane, and cramped as hell. The flight seemed to last forever (just under 3 hours), and we landed (we being me and my counterpart, Paul), in the DFW airport. Dallas was beautiful, and a warm 66 degrees when we landed. We shuttled into the heart of Dallas, finding our hotel shortly after 1am. Training had begun. Rushing to our rooms to drop out stuff off, we hustled down to make sure we didn't miss much.

A few minutes into the hello's and greetings from our Executive team, we were in the team building exercises, and finally meeting our people, face to face. Now, understand that aside from Paul and my manager, Jeff, I had not met any of my 15 counterparts in the Southeast territory. We had spoke every day for two hours a day on conference calls, but no face to face interactions. However, at that point, it was like seeing old family - we all bonded immediately and were so glad to finally meet each other!

The week was amazing, full of incredible training and presentations. We toured our corporate offices, met all the executives, and came home better people then we were when we left. I met our CEO, Ken May, and had an incredible conversation with him about the state of our company. He is an amazingly down to earth man, who is moving mountains to make this a better company to work for and do business with. I can honestly say, with conviction, that I have never been so proud to be a part of an organization.

My position is one of 106 of the most important people in the company right now. We are the wave of the future, and everyone knows who we are. It was incredibly strange to meet people who at some point have probably met all 30,000 people this company employs, and to have them shake your hand and tell them it's nice to meet you. And I don't mean, a superficial shake. I mean, "I'm glad I've finally met you, Annie" (without me giving them my name). It felt like Cheers when I was in Dallas - where everybody knew my name....and they were all glad I came.

So, Dallas was amazing! The city is beautiful and somewhere that I can wait to live. I was able to see some of it by day, a lot of it by night (no comment), and see friends while in town. I had an amazing time. I worked hard, partied harder, and was really glad to touch down in Orlando last night. However...."rumor" has it, we're back there in November - HOLLA!

Among the most brilliant song lyrics I've ever heard...

Fix You - Cold Play

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below

When your too in love to let it go

If you never try you'll never know

Just watch and learn

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

The bolded lines are the most brilliant....wow. Just heard this song for the first time and was floored....which is saying a lot, because I'm not a Coldplay fan. Well, wasn't a Coldplay fan. =)

The pain in my head, oh I'd rather be dead...

Icky, Icky, Poo, Poo. That's the way my day has been.

First off, I have a very bad headache. No, I wouldn't rather be dead...that's a line from a Boyz II Men song. Remember then...yeah, I'm that old. My headache stems from my eyes, which are hurting due to pink eye. Pink eye, you say? Yes, pink eye. Some asshole at work's kids are disease carrying rodents, and I have ended up with pink eye. My eyes are icky and mucusy (gross right) and are a strain on my contacts. So, by the end of the day, I have earned one serious headache.

On top of that, my day started out as serious crap. The pre-madonna I work with was being a total wanker, despite the fact that she has no jurisdiction over my job or schedule anymore. Oh, wait...she never did. Let me explain...

Today was my first day in my new role....or it should have been. I offically started getting paid by the sales department today, and should have begun my transitioning into the new role. But, my manager does not want to release me yet, so that I can assist my replacement with the Disney job. However, he does not want me to assist her, but instead be there in case she has any questions. Isn't that what the phone is for?

So, I was supposed to be home today to receive a FedEx package outlining all my responsibilities over the next six weeks, in regards to training, transitioning, preparing etc. But my manager, who wants me there for questions, did not want me to wait until the FedEx driver to arrive with my package. Instead, he told me on Friday to be in at 9am (my usual time), since we were unsure when the package would arrive.

Shortly after I arrived this morning, however, my manager asked if I had received my package. When I told him no, he asked me why I came in. My response, "you told me to." He insists on Friday that he told me to wait until after the priority deliver hours, meaning come in after 10:30am. Rrrrrrr.....

So, here I am, unprepared for a sales call that I am going to have within about an hour of that interaction, all due to my manager's (wait, ex-manager's) lack of communication to me. Strike 1.

So, I ask him what he wants me to do. He gives me a task and I step into it straight away. To get out of the always crowded office I share(d) with another co-worker and the countdown room, I moved into the ever roomy Assistant Manager pre-madonna's room. Now, mind you, this lady's on a power trip. She's always bossing people around, and feels the need to talk down to people. So, I tell her I'm going to join her in the office, but that I will leave her be.

She then spends the next 20 minutes chastising me for my replacement and I getting over time last week (4 hours each, lad-dee-da....), when the manager was well aware LAST WEEK that we would each be getting overtime, and everyone is aware that we are in the busiest month for WDW and we've just hit the peak of it. However, she wondered why it took two of us the extra hours to get it done. I tried to defend myself...and did for a while, but finally kept my mouth shut. It wasn't worth it. But what was her solution: since I am now salaried, she has decided (not that it's her decision) that I will be staying the extra hours through the rest of the week so that the hourly person now assigned to that job will not end up in overtime. I told her I no longer work for them, and that I was there doing her a favor. She told me not to give her any of that "it's not my job crap." I restrained.... Strike 2.

Strike 3 came later in the afternoon when the same pre-madonna on her high horse reiterated to me that her expectation was for me to stay the extra hours that I was not getting paid for, so that my replacement would not incur overtime on the center's dime. So she expects me to do her team members job, and not my own, to save her payroll (oh, wait...it's not even hers). I finally had it and put her in her place. I told her that I was not willing to stay the extra hours, as I was here to answer questions, and questions only for my replacement. Once she left, I left. I was not staying. Pre-madonna immediately backed down and stuck her tail between her legs. Homerun!!!!!!!!

Now, I'm left with a headache and itchy eyes. I can't wear my contacts, and am straining through my glasses, which is not helping the headache. I am tired, cranky, and frustrated.

Sigh.....uh, oh...looks like someone has a case of the Mondays!

And life seems to go full circle...

Life is a facinating thing. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. In a recent turn of events, I have reconnected today with a friend I thought was long since lost. I am impressed by MySpace's ability to reconnect those that otherwise may have never crossed paths again, and in reviewing the reconnections I have made, I began to contemplate my life.

About a year ago, my neighbor was over at my house, and we were discussing life and relationships. I mentioned the path that my life took to get me to where I am today, and she told me something that I will forever hold to be among the most valuable things someone has shared with me - "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." Such simple words made such a significant impact on my life. After hearing that, I spent the next couple of days, maybe even a week, looking back over those that played a significant role in my life - both good and bad. I thought of those that I had been sad to see go, those that I had fought to keep, and those that I had been trying to get rid of for a long time. I reviewed the purpose that each had for my life, and determined which they seemed to be - a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Those that were hardest to let go of, but also seemed impossible to get back, I realized were not a lifelong friend - but that their significance in my life meant that they were brought into it, even if for a short time, for some sort of purpose. Looking back on the stages that I was in during these encounters, it is interesting that I can not remember the perils of my life at those points, but what stands out is the significant role that each of these people played during those perils. While they may not be a part of my life anymore, those moments, no matter how short or how long, have touched my life in ways that they may never know and for that I am grateful.

Thinking back over the course of the past few years, I have also thought of the paths that my life has taken. While my feelings over trials and tribulations that I experience may have left a bitter taste in my mouth, I also understand that those experiences were necessary - not only for the sheer lesson I may have learned, but also for those that needed to come into my life - whether it be for that reason, season, or to become a part of my lifetime.

For example, despite the negative turn of events that caused me to end my career at Wet 'n Wild, if it wasn't for the three years I spent there, I would not have made the connections and friendships that I have over the years.

Exhibit A: Melissa. Melissa and I met in college, in Dr. Lewis's history class. I sat near her on my first day of class. We chatted a bit, but what broke the ice? The fact that both of us had/did work for Wet 'n Wild, and knew the same people. We chatted for a long time about the place, and began a friendship that has transcended through so many things.

Exhibit B: Ben. Had I not have been employed by the water park, and had I not have handled the printing for the company, I likely would not have gotten to know Ben. If it wasn't for that responsibility being placed on my shoulders, things may have ended up differently today. But instead, the course that my life took, led me to my husband, and for that, I can not be upset.

Exhibit C: Ian. For what began as a silly acquantienceship, it turned into a sincere friendship, one of which I am grateful for. Had I not have been forced to work late hours, and go to the dingy, dirty warehouse, we may have never connected. Had the other coordinator not quit that summer that I worked 7 days a week, every week, I may not have worked the night shifts that allowed us the time to get to know each other.

The list could go on and on. I have made more valuable friendships from my few years within that place that I have made in my entire childhood. I have a stronger, better connection with those that have crossed my path, if even for the shortest time, than those that have known me since my youngest years.

Now, here's what befuddles me - what role does MySpace play in all this? If people are to come into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime, how does that all change now that the internet, and things such as MySpace, have come into play? Do reasons and seasons cease to exist? Will all friendships become lifelong? Or will this all fade like every other fad, and we will continue to fade in and out of each other's lives, in a similar fashion to before?

I believe that all things in life happen for a reason. And while often, things happen that are not among those that we are looking for, or even want, they are still significant in our lives. So, as I face the challenges and perils that life throws my way, I can't help but look at them and wonder - what is this all for? How does this effect my future? Does this hold any significance to the past? Who am I a reason to? A season? A lifetime?

"To every season, turn, turn, turn. There is a reason, turn, turn, turn. And a time to every purpose, under heaven."

So I saw a turkey running down the sidewalk of my neighborhood today...

Does anyone else find it odd that I saw a turkey meadering down the sidewalk of my neighborhood this afternoon? I don't live in a rural area, and was travelling a highly populated street. Yet the turkey was just waddling along, like nothing was strange. Is is strange, though, isn't it? Is that some sort of sign of the times?

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em....

...........Know when to walk away and know when to run. You never count your money, when you're sittin' at the table

There'll be time enough for countin', when the dealin's done.

Work sucks. There's no way around that. I enjoy working with Disney and am not stressed at all by the transition. At moments, it can be overwhelming, as it is very fast paced, but nonetheless, it is nothing I can't handle. However, my manager is severly trying my patience, and I am working as hard as possible to be patient with him. He's hyperactive, negative, and a total micro-manager. But I will survive.

I have decided that I can seriously hold the better cards in this situation, and am picking my battles carefully. I want to have the upperhand, in case shit hits the fan....as I fear (or don't fear) that it will.

I'm still holding out for this promotion, and am optimistic about it, but am trying to be realistic all the while. So, we'll see where this might head....

The Self Assessment

I took my first step towards apply for the promotional opportunity today. I had to take a self-assessment....what a foreign thing to do. Have you ever had to take one of these tests? Here I am, sitting here in front of something that seems so simple, yet holds such a significant thing in the balance...

The questions are things like: "Out of the following words, which one best describes yourself", "Are you a self motivator?", "Do you like doing A) one task at a time, B) two or three tasks at a time or C) several tasks at a time." And the kicker, "Of all the things our there to do, is sales what you would prefer to do above all other things." Dude, I could barely understand that last question, let alone answer it to the best of my ability.

So,here I am self analyzing myself as I'm trying to determine what the best answer to these questions will be. And here's what's going through my head:

1) What would make them want to hire me?

2) If I choose the answer that I think would make them want to hire me, am I actually self-assessing myself?

3) If I choose the answer that I think would make them want me, and that's the wrong answer, would I have had the right answer if I answered the question the way I best fit the answer?

4) How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? (Just Kidding)

5) What if I answer all the questions right, and decide that I don't want to be in sales? Am I passing up my calling?

6) Am I doing this for the right reasons?

7) What if I'm not meant for this job? What do I do next?

Something as dumb as a self-assessment actually stressed me out a little bit. Not in the "Agh! I'm freaking out way" but in the "too much to think about" way.

Here's what I'm thinking- if I get turned down for the job because my answers to the self assessment test did not match the answers that my potential supervisor wants to see, and I get passed up for this promotion, I'm going to feel disappointed that my personality wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough for them because a test told them so. That sucks. However, if I go get the job, and I'm not happy because it's not a good fit for me, I'm going to be surprised that the self assessment test didn't weed me out. Dumb huh?

What does this damn test show anyway? Nothing. That I know how to press buttons? What good does that do me?

By the way, I filled it out for what fit me. So, in some of the questions, where I'm pretty sure I could have stretched the truth and said, "no, I don't feel like I need training to be 100% successful in this position" I told them that I was uncertain as to whether or not I needed the training. I figure let's be realistic here - no matter how great of a salesperson you are (or are not) you can always use training on how to make yourself better. As a kindred spirit shared with me today, I looked at it this way - "Education is not filling a bucket, but lighting a fire." Yates was a brilliant man....

Anyway, we'll see how it goes. I think I would have felt better if there was some sort of measurement that I could compare myself to, or a grade at the end. Not some ambiguous idea of right and wrong followed by a maybe interview and a possibility of an offer letter sent to me.

Agh! I thought I was done with tests after college!