Somewhere along the way, I've lost my direction and drive to make this work. Everytime I think I'm making headway, something throws me back into the cloudy mud.
I went to the WnW reunion on Saturday. Tried to get Ian to go, which was unsuccessful. However, I ended up speading the evening after the event with him. Another innocent night of hanging out....yet, I feel my life sliding so simply around his.
After the reunion, I met him at the grocery store. Why did it feel like I was grocery shopping with my signifant other, stocking our house. Why is it that it wasn't weird pulling into his driveway (note: I just accidently typed "our driveway" without thinking), or carrying the groceries into the house (again with the involuntary "our") and helping him put the away. It felt like my home, like my space, and I was so comfortable. Should I feel that way?
His bedroom feels like our bedroom, his space like mine. While there's still an uncomfortableness, it's more along the lines of the unspoken, than the uncomfortable.
We played around and wrestled, and I feel silly for giggling during him trying to teach me the escrima moves. I wish that I hadn't giggled, but I felt silly.
We drove around in his new car, and he smoked out on the porch. Something's definitely changed between us....I wish I could talk to him about it. It hasn't been the same since he told me he loved me....I wonder if he regrets it.
While we were wrestling, he threw me down on the bed.....my heart started to race, and I thought for sure he was going to make a move. But in that moment, nothing else mattered but us....but as soon as he did it, he stopped....like he knew he couldn't go on. I wonder what he was thinking.
I miss him....and I love him. There goes progress....
.....am I willing to rock this world?
