An amazing quote...

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." - Maya Angelo

A glimpse inside my mind...

A glimpse inside my mind right now and the thoughts that have ensued. I am spurned, scorned, angry and upset...and I thank music for allowing me to express it.

While things didn't happen the way they should and I was shafted by people I trusted (big mistake), I have been reminded that when one door closes, another one opens. So thank you, Senior Management. Thank you for reminding me that I am better than this. Thank you for allowing me to remember that I deserve more, want more, need more, will accept nothing but more. Thank you for that motivation. You have no idea what you are losing.

You don't know how you got here, you just know you want out. Believing in yourself, almost as much as you doubt. – U2

My only words of wisdom are "radio edit" – Kid Rock

I'm for the low man on the totem pole, and I'm for the underdog god bless his soul. – Gretchen Wilson

I'm just one of many who can't get no respect. – Gretchen Wilson

I guess my opinion is all out of style, don't get me started because I can get wild. And I'll make a fight for the four father's plan. Hell the world already knows where I stand. – Gretchen Wilson

I try so hard not to get upset, because I know all the trouble I'll get. – Til Tuesday

And I try so hard to keep it inside, so no one can hear – Til Tuesday

You don't know how you took it, you just know what you got. – U2

You're a big smash, you wear it like a rash – U2

Gravity is working against me. And gravity wants to bring me down. – John Mayer

Just keep me where the light is – John Mayer

When it gets cold and it feels like the end, there's no place to go, you know I won't give in. – Avril Lavigne

There's nothing you could say, nothing you could do. There's no other way when it comes to the truth. So keep holding on, cause you'll make it through. – Avril Lavigne

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe. Nothing's gonna change destiny. Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly. – Avril Lavigne

And I was swept away with nothin' left to say. Some helpless fool… - Live

Life is like a shooting star, it don't matter who you are. If you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time. We are lost 'til we are found, this phoenix rises up from the ground and all these wars are over. – Live

I never made promises lightly – Sting

I would never wish bad things but I don't wish you well….could you tell by the flames that burned your words? – Kelly Clarkson

Give me that Sunday school answer…try to make it all okay. – Kelly Clarkson

Repent yourself away – Kelly Clarkson

Never again will I want to – Kelly Clarkson

They may believe you, but I never will….never again. – Kelly Clarkson

Don't believe in fear, don't believe in faith. Don't believe in anything that you can't break. – Garbage

You stupid girl….all you had you wasted. – Garbage

What drives you on can drive you mad. – Garbage

Don't believe in anything that you can't waste – Garbage

I thought you'd be out of my mind and I'd finally find a way to learn to live without you. I thought it was just a matter of time. Till I had hundred reasons not to think about you. But it's just not so and after all this time, I still can't let go. – Cult

I'm trying to escape you and I know there ain't no way to chase you from my mind. – Cult

There's a message in the wire, and I'm sending you this signal tonight. You don't know how desperate I've become and it looks like I'm losing this fight. In your world I have no meaning, though I'm trying hard to understand. – Allison Krauss

Why can't you see what you're doing to me? When you don't believe a word I say? We can't go on together with suspicious minds. And we can't build our dreams on suspicious minds. – Elvis Presley

You know I gave you the world. You had me in the palm of your hand. – Justin Timberlake

Don't want to think about it, don't want to talk about it, I'm just so sick about it. Can't believe it's ending this way. Just so confused about it, feeling the blues about it, I just can't do without ya, tell me is this fair? – Justin Timberlake

Is this the way it's really going down? Is this how we say goodbye? Should've known better when you came around that you were gonna make me cry. – Justin Timberlake

What goes around comes all the way back around. – Justin Timberlake

You cheated, my heart bleeds, so it goes withouth saying that you left me feeling hurt. Just a classic case, a scenario, tale as old as time. – Justin Timberlake

Can you help me unravel my latest mistake? – Anna Nalick

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button, so cradle your head in your hands and breath… - Anna Nalick

There's a light at each end of this tunnel. You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out. And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again. If you only try turning around. – Anna Nalick

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside me, threatening the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd cause the words are my diary, screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them, however you want to. – Anna Nalick

I walked around my good intentions and found that there were none – Our Lady Peace

I blame myself for being too much like somebody else. I never thought I would just bend this way then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong. – Our Lady Peace

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me. But this could be the best day of my life. – Our Lady Peace

Express yourself, don't repress yourself. – Madonna

And I'm not sorry, it's human nature. I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me. – Madonna

You wouldn't let me say the words I longed to say, you didn't want to see life through my eyes. You tried to shove me back inside your narrow room and silence me with bitterness and lies. – Madonna

Oops, I didn't know I couldn't speak my mind. – Madonna

You punished me for telling you my fantasies. I'm breaking all the rules I didn't make. You took my words and made a trap for silly fools, you held me down and tried to make me break. Did I say something true? I musta been crazy. Did I have a point of view? Oops, I didn't know we couldn't talk about you. – Madonna.

I'm not apologizing. You're the one with the problem. Why don't you just deal with it? – Madonna

I have no regrets. Just look in the mirror. – Madonna

Mama says idle hands make devils handywork – LeAnn Rimes

Forgive…sounds good. Forget, I'm not sure I could. They say time heals all wounds…I'm still waiting. – Dixie Chicks

I'm through with doubt. There's nothing left for me to figure out. I've paid a price and I'll keep paying. – Dixie Chicks

I'm not ready to make nice, I'm not ready to back down. I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to round and round and round. It's too late to make it right, I probably wouldn't if I could. Because I'm mad as hell can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should. – Dixie Chicks

I know what you said…"Can't you just get over it?" It turned my whole life around and I kind of like it. – Dixie Chicks

I've seen the devil, stared him straight in the eyes. – Van Zant

Yeah, I've been down that road, and I ain't goin back again. – Van Zant

I caused more damage than a hurricane. I broke your heart and didn't feel a thing. – Van Zant

Wow...

Lots has been going on with me the past few weeks, but something happened today that had a much larger impact on me and my life than anything else. I learned something today....and I want to share it with the world.

I learned selflessness. I learned humbleness. I learned the meaning of true, unconditional love. I am married to the most amazing man. This I knew...believe me, he's been wonderful. But, today, I learned how lucky I truly am to have someone as amazing as him in my life.

Sometimes I'm not nice to him. Sometimes I'm a downright bitch to him. Honestly, I think I make a pretty shitty wife. And overall, I often wonder why the hell he stays with me. But I've known all along that he loves me, truly and deeply. And today, I finally recongized it. I saw it. I felt it. And it moved me to tears.

I will keep the details to myself, as they are a part of my private life that I choose not to share right now, but they involve medical procedures and my self esteem. Due to circumstances that I do not want to currently discuss, my hopes of getting this procedure done were squashed. This is something I've wanted all my life, and while I have not talked about it that much prior to the potential of this happening, it became very apparent to him how important this was to me.

I never would have expected anyone to act as selflessly as he did. When my hopes of affording this were dashed, he has decided to use money from his retirement to make me happy. This is no small change...this is thousands and thousands of dollars. He is giving this to me as my Christmas present. I'm amazed and astounded and I can't stop getting choked up. This is so much more than a Christmas present. This is an expression of his love and devotion for me, and his desire to make me happy, regardless of the cost or importance to him.

I learned what love was today. My heart swells with how lucky I am to have someone so amazing in my life. He is the other half of me....the half that I want to become.

I love you, Benji. I love you for who you are and what you are and everything about you. You are my best friend, my love, my heart, my soul, my everything. Thank you for loving me. I hope I can show that love to you and then some. I'm a lucky woman.

P.S. - He's so amazing. He just brought me dinner without me asking. And he stitched up our dog, and didn't yell at me when I did something stupid. I'm a lucky woman.

Finding my way home...

I received a call today...a call that for years would be the one that would change my life. The one that would give me clarity and peace, sadness and joy, a sense of completion and justice. It happened. It's over.

I don't know what to think, I don't know what to feel. I am numb, feeling nothing and everything at the same time. I feel a sense of peace, I feel a sense of happiness, I feel a sense of sadness. Why is it that death, the loss of someone, causes the emotions? And what emotions are you supposed to feel when you don't care that the death has happened? When the person that has died has done something horrible to you, and you can't make yourself be sad. I want to be sad. I want to not be the same person that he was, the one who felt no remorse when he did unforgivable acts he did. I want to forgive. I want to forget. But how do you?

I'm watching Crash. Such a beautiful movie about people, about human nature. I watch this, and I hear these words...the poignant words that are so significant right now.

Officer Ryan: You think you know who you are?

[Officer Hanson nods]

Officer Ryan: You have no idea.

Ria: I think we spun around twice, and somewhere in there one of us lost our frame of reference.

Ria: And I'm gonna go look for it...

Christine: I just couldn't stand to see that man take away your dignity.

It's been a while...

My imptetuous ramblings have been slim to none recently, and I thought it was time for an update on where I've been.

I wish I could say that my lack of writing has been for all positive things, but that would not be accurate...I've had both good and bad happen recently, and my mind has run a million miles a minute, leaving no time to type out my ramblings.

Where do I begin?

Work has been stressful recently, and extraneous circumstances have caused me to again question my happiness in what I am doing and my diligence with this job. Decisions on a high level seem to be coming full circle, and I often find myself reviewing the last year of my career and wondering how it is that I feel like I have come a long way, and yet the vision we are all working towards is ever changing. I constantly feel as though I am trying to reinvent myself, and get derailed by yet another seemingly senseless decision by individuals not actively in the field. I will not air our dirtly laundry here....I respect the vision, I support the vision, I believe in the vision....what I don't believe in, what I don't have faith in is truly neither here nor there. However, it has certainly given me clarity as to what I want my future to hold, and what I feel is important to me. The words integrity, happiness, and respect have never felt so valuable to me as they do now.

On the flip side, I have grown tremendously, and do believe that if I put my heart and soul behind anything, I can do it. I always believed this, but sometimes get derailed and have to be reminded. I am now reminded and do not feel tasked or challenged the way I did in the past....is that an inkling that I may be ready to move on to a new role soon? Who knows....I do like the money, I do like the freedom, but I do like a challenge. And there's a big difference between a challenge and stress....

Okay, I didn't come on this to complain about work. I am honestly happy, overall, and have some negative days but am trying to keep a positive outlook. I have been slighted recently, in a pretty major way, but they are currently making attempts to redeem themselves, and therefore, I will not put all the dirty laundry out there to be read by the world. I will store this for a time of rejoice or disappointment. Cross your fingers and hope for rejoice!

Ben has struggled recently with some health challenges. A fairly simple infection turned serious when it spread in his face, and landed him in the Emergency Room. A stressful week turned into another stressful week, followed by an appointment with our family doctor, only to find out that the bacterial infection he was dealing with was seriously life threatening, and he should have been hospitalized or under fairly constant doctor supervision. Neither of these happened, and while I do not dwell on the past, and he seems to be ahead of it, it is scary to think that things could have gone very, very wrong.

While at the doctor's office, Ben made mention of a bump on the base of his left middle finger. The doctor felt it, said it's a benign cyst on the tendon (I guess that's similiar to a tumor) and that it must be removed as a small but decent percentage can be cancerous. Not really what we want to here when he was just told minutes before that many people have died recently from the bacterial infection that he had. I'm confident all will be fine, but Ben has always been the rock, and the healthy one, and this caught all of us by surprise.

Life has been crazy in general, between traveling and friends, events, and weddings, neighborhood shenanigans, and the like. Some days I want to crawl under my blanket and not see the light of day. Oh, do I yearn for one night of sleep that is uninterupted by the sounds of dog barks, me being crowded out of bed by 12 little doggie paws, or the light of morning. Neither Ben nor I have been sleeping well.

Porkchops allergies are back, and she's chewing a lot. It's not too bad, but she ends up itching a lot at night, which is another thing that wakes me up when her mad scratching starts as 3am. I kick her out of bed, which makes me feel back since she's obviously uncomfortable, but at 3am, she's lucky I don't put her outside. I'm not pleasant when awoken at ungodly hours of the night.

Ok, it is 11pm and the incessant yawning makes it clear that it is well past my bedtime. I'm hooked on Ghost Hunter's....what can I say?

New Year's Resolution Update...

So, apparently, I have not given an update on my resolutions since February. I thought I had done some since then, but I guess not. Oops! So here's the update...:

- Spend more time with my husband. Individual time...quality time. Not, let's run to the grocery store time. Some days we fall into the old pattern, but for the most part, we're spending more time together. Definitely think the time is more quality now.

- Further my education. This does not have to be in the form of actual schooling, but I want to learn more about something. It doesn't even have to be school related, or degree related. I just want to enlighten myself more. Anyone have any suggestions? I've looked into Graduate school, but am mostly using my free time to educate myself on myself, via self help and self understanding books. Sounds a little strange, but it's actually quite enlightening. I'm also learning to be more creative and artistic.

- Focus on my health. Ah, the innevitable blip about how I do not focus enough on my health goals, and therefore every year challenge myself to do something about it. This year will be no different. At least, in the challenge that is. Hopefully, with some due dilegence, the outcome will change. Focus includes getting rid of excess weight, unwanted cough, blood pressure medicine, and crazy pills. Crazy pills would be an amazing feat....those are likely with me for life. Wow. So I haven't been to the gym in months. Not good. Good news is that they have opened one MUCH closer to me, and now I don't have that as an excuse (used to drive 30 minutes to get to gym). Strep throat, sinus infection, and bronchitis seem to be in check, and allergies are being worked on. Definitely headed in the right direction. Had a horrible bout with the flu a few weeks ago, but seem to be over it. Stomach problems got worse, and I finally decided that the way to fix it was to not eat. Yeah, that worked for all of like 4 hours. Instead, I decided to go to basic foods - brown rice, veggies, the like. Since I have done that, I have felt healthier than ever. I've also lost weight.....I have no idea how much, but I'm guessing around 20lbs. Great strides!

- Be happier. Stop going through the motions of life and enjoy them. Take some time to stop and smell the roses. I'm enjoying the little things more....but I do need to slow down.

- See friends and family more. Spend that free time seeing people that you don't normalily get to. See friends as much as possible. Visit family as much as possible. Was doing better at this....been shitty at it recently. I miss everyone....I need to get out there again.

- Plan outings. Go to them. A few outings planned...all gone on.

- Eliminate something significant off that "always wanted to do list." Current ideas: make the t-shirt quilt (this could also serve as the education, since I would need both to complete this task), jump out of a plane, visit California, just to name a few. Ideas? Ok, so I've done a lot of firsts this year....and still coming up with new ones all the time.

- Get myself promoted and out of this current position as near as possible to September 1st. This goal is actually carried over from 2006, but can not be accomplished earlier than the September 1st date. I told myself I'd be in this position for a year...Sept. 1st will be the one year date. So, I'm thinking that September 1st is rushing out of the job. It's gotten much, much better and I am actually enjoying it. While I still don't want to stay in Sales for the long run, I think I'm doing well right now and want to do this for a while longer.

- Do not quit my job in March. Sounds silly, I know, but I have a track record of 3.5 years with a company. March 07 will be my 3.5 year mark. I don't have any intentions of leaving, and do not really want to, but it all starts out that way. If I do leave, make it worth while. July and I'm still here. Seems I might have broken the trend. I'm at almost 4 years, still love the company, still like the job, still want to grow and stay and still happy. =) This is good!

- Love more, argue less. Smile more, pout less. I think I'm getting much better at this.

- Overcome my cold calling weaknesses. Not even a fear anymore. Every once in a while I get a bout of it, but more or less, no problem.

- Don't get fired. So, I don't think I'm at risk, but....well....you never know. =)

- Learn to love my current position. Ok, love is a strong word. But I do like it...not willing to say a lot or quite a bit, but what I will say is that I am happy to get out of bed in the morning and go do my thing. And I think I'm getting good at it. But, I still don't love the Sales thing, and my heart is in Marketing....but I'm excited about where the prospects will take me!

- Complete this list prior to December 31, 2007. So I've got a few things to work on....but I'm doing pretty good!

How does karma work?

How does karma work? Does it play on the bad you did only, or does it accept your attempt to fix it?

Recently, I inadvertently hurt someone. I attempted to fix it, was honest and straight forward, and remorseful....and seemed to only make it worse. While trying to fix the problem, I succeeded in only making myself feel the burden released, but making that person feel worse. That was never my intentions and I feel horrible for it. At this point, I'm unsure I can right the wrongs.

However, I did try. I attempted to make ammends for my indiscretions, with the best of intentions in mind. The offended reacted as I hoped they wouldn't...and in the end, only managed to hurt me more than I hurt them. They have made no attempt to fix it....nor is it likely they will.

So, how does karma work? Am I faulted on the initial errors, and my attempt to fix it is ignored? Is my error forgiven because of my attempt to right a wrong? Do they cancel eachother out? Or are both weighed and balanced, and the appropriate course is taken? Does the person I hurt, who hurt me back, face karma as well? And if I do suffer from my errors, how do I fix them when my attempt to right the wrong I did was only made worse?

My crazy ass dogs...

My dogs…oh my crazy, silly, wild at times dogs. I'm sure you have heard a story or two….if only I had a camera for this one:

Let me set this up by reminding you all that Porkchop, our youngest mutt, is a permanent puppy…she is the most precious yet wild third "child" any family could have. Porkchop has destroyed most everything we own in our home at one time or another, reeks havoc on our lives, and melts our hearts. She will eat your shoes (at least 4 pairs of mine so far), and then look at you with big doe eyes and plead forgiveness. How do you stay mad at that? She's been nearly impossible to train – despite two other perfectly angelic, well behaved and thoroughly trained mutts, she has chosen to be adorably belligerent. While she knows better for the most part, she seems to constantly challenge why…and sometimes the nutty things she does are just down right hilarious….today was one of those days.

Because Porkchop has a tendency to like to eat everything in her reach when we are not home, we crate her. She loves her crate and will go in it on her own at any time – it's not a punishment to her. It's her place of protection, her safe haven from her sisters when they pick on her, and usually a great place to find a stray treat…but a few weeks ago, Porkchop decided that she no longer wanted the plastic tray that was in the bottom of her crate, and rather preferred bare metal and blanket. She accomplished removal of this nuisance by strategically "eating" (did not ingest, but simply savored each morsel, setting them aside when done in approximately six inch squares) the plastic tray that was said bottom of the crate. Therefore, husband and I have been on a mission to replace it, since Houdini realized she can flip the crate on it's side and escape through the bottom openings.

Well, the replacement search as of current has been futile – we have had absolutely no success in finding any place that sells them. We are planning on buying a new crate, or something that will work as a replacement. We keep the crate in the living room – in front of the fireplace, at one extreme end of the house. Here's where it gets funny: when my husband left today and placed our wild child in the crate as usual, Porkchop, our PRECIOUS little angel, managed to walk herself through the house, while still in the crate, to the complete opposite side of our home. After apparently trying all doors until she found one that had accidentally been left ajar, she finally settled herself happily in the guest bedroom. When my husband came home, he found it odd that she was not in the living room….nor was the crate she typically escapes from. When he found her, she was happily sleeping in her mobile home, content with her new surroundings. If only our home had surveillance…it would be fascinating to see how our little dog managed to maneuver a 3 ft x 3 ft crate through the living room filled with furniture to stand in her way, down the hallway, past a bedroom, a bathroom, and into the guest room.

Thanks for the trip down memory lane...

So, somewhere around 10pm tonight, I had this undeniable urge to go riffling through old photos. I don't know if my subconscious was looking for something, or someone, but needless to say, I came across some things I had long forgotten, and others that had been happily left in the past.

It's funny how the tragedies of today do not seem so tragic tomorrow. How the important of today is insignificant tomorrow. How those you thought you would have in your life forever, mean nothing to you tomorrow. Or mean the world to you, and you mean nothing to them.

My old neighbor told me something that I live by...simple words, but they touched me so deeply that I keep them in the forefront of my mind. When things come and go, when people come and go (and sometimes come again), I remind myself of these brilliant, yet simple words: People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Being reminded of that tonight as I riffled through old pictures, forgotten memories left in a box to be found on a day like today, I came across familiar faces - people long since forgotten in the hustle and bustle of today. I miss the companionship of some, am glad for the lack of companionship of others, and wonder what happened to many of those people that fill the background of the photos - people not important enough to me at that moment to be in the foreground of the image.

Many of these people have found their way back into my worlds, or maybe it is that I've found my way back into theirs. The invention of Myspace and other such means has allowed people to stay in touch in a whole new way - and assists in answering many of those "what the hell happened to _______" questions.

So, as I put away the box of pictures of my life thus far, I'm reminded of where I came from and where I'm going - what life was like when I was five years younger, what I looked like 30lbs ago, what I was thinking when I took this picture, and how far more jaded I am today. I'm blessed for those that were reasons, and in a way am glad they are gone. I'm also blessed for those that were seasons, as well as those that will be seasons....while those are harder to move on from, they offered me the support, love, and/or strive (good and bad) to make myself a better person. And I'm very blessed for those willing and allowed to be a part of my lifetime.

I look at these faces long since forgotten, and I wonder what some of them are - are they the reason, and I'll never see them again? Are they the season, and I'll cross their paths somewhere along the roads of life again? Or will they become the lifetime?

Frustration is a part of life...it doesn't matter if you're wrong or right...

Frustration. Damnation. Motivation. Complication. Admiration. Vexation. Domination. Education. Agitation. Alliteration.

These all describe the way I feel at the moment. Disappointment abounds.

Help me...what words am I missing?

Lost in progress...

Somewhere along the way, I've lost my direction and drive to make this work. Everytime I think I'm making headway, something throws me back into the cloudy mud.

I went to the WnW reunion on Saturday. Tried to get Ian to go, which was unsuccessful. However, I ended up speading the evening after the event with him. Another innocent night of hanging out....yet, I feel my life sliding so simply around his.

After the reunion, I met him at the grocery store. Why did it feel like I was grocery shopping with my signifant other, stocking our house. Why is it that it wasn't weird pulling into his driveway (note: I just accidently typed "our driveway" without thinking), or carrying the groceries into the house (again with the involuntary "our") and helping him put the away. It felt like my home, like my space, and I was so comfortable. Should I feel that way?

His bedroom feels like our bedroom, his space like mine. While there's still an uncomfortableness, it's more along the lines of the unspoken, than the uncomfortable.

We played around and wrestled, and I feel silly for giggling during him trying to teach me the escrima moves. I wish that I hadn't giggled, but I felt silly.

We drove around in his new car, and he smoked out on the porch. Something's definitely changed between us....I wish I could talk to him about it. It hasn't been the same since he told me he loved me....I wonder if he regrets it.

While we were wrestling, he threw me down on the bed.....my heart started to race, and I thought for sure he was going to make a move. But in that moment, nothing else mattered but us....but as soon as he did it, he stopped....like he knew he couldn't go on. I wonder what he was thinking.

I miss him....and I love him. There goes progress....

.....am I willing to rock this world?

The mind is an interesting thing..

Facinating how the mind works. It's amazing how the most valuable and useful part of your body typically ends up being the most detrimental.

For crazy's like myself, the mind is particularly detrimental...you allow the mind to wander, and more often than not, it ends up in places it shouldn't be.

Shoulda known this morning that something was up...it started as a weird day. Ended even weirder. And everything in the middle...well, that was pretty much a blur.

On a side note, I closed two contracts today....just 26 more and 10 weeks to reach my goal. Not so stressful anymore. Absolutely possible. Okay, maybe only slightly terrifying..oops, there goes the wandering mind again.

I'm in need of vacation. Good thing I'm taking some time. Friday off (yeah! long weekend!) and lots of time next week/the following week. I need time to think...time to reflect...time to be. Must be one with the world...pray to Budda...something like that. Maybe I'll do yoga. Wait...who am I kidding. There goes that damn wandering mind again.

Does this mean I have ADD?

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.......................................................I am having an anxiety attack.

I've made my decision. It's amazing how clear things get in moments like these.

I'm drained. It's over. I'm out.

The Lord works in mysterious ways...

I believe there are no coincidences. I'm sure I've said this before. Life is too deliberate to follow a random course. I believe that everything that happens in life, happens for a reason. The close calls, the chance meetings, the voice in your ear telling you not to do something, despite the fact that you really want to....all lead you to a deliberate path in your life.

I have struggled recently with the decision to uproot Ben and my lifes, by applying for positions that have recently come available in our Marketing department, in both Memphis and Dallas. While I have a phenominal job now, I am not truly happy in it, and saw these postings as a beacon of light in my currently dim world. I originally crossed paths with these postings over 1 1/2 months ago - on a day that I was sure I was going to quit my job.

Now understand that job availability in our Marketing department NEVER happens. Our Marketing department is substatially huge, and envelopes and amazing team - all of which realize the great job they have. They are not interested in leaving their current positions, so the only opportunity for an opening is when people get promoted. However, our Marketing department has grown recently, and over 20 positions have been listed in our department - all arriving around the time that I decided I'm unsure whether I want to do this sales thing anymore or not.

So, like I said....it felt like a beacon. But, I'm not a quiter, and I felt like I was running from something. I felt the emotional draw to the position was due to my extremely bad day, and that I needed some time to review my life when I wasn't upset, and see if that was the course I was ready to take.

A month went by...and then another two weeks, and I followed a course of up and down. I've thought long and hard about these opportunities, but was unable to make a decision as to the pursuit of it. I talked with Ben...we've researched areas, homes, and the like, all looking to see if this is what we want to do. We're both ready...yet something has been holding me back.

Then, following a series of events in the past couple weeks (see really angry blog), I've ultimately bittered toward this position and the likes of my development opportunities within the sales department. Yet, I'm still unwilling to make a decision. I'm not sure why - I guess it's still the feeling that I'm running away, and not running to something. It's a big decision - one I don't want to do based on an emotional decision. Emotions get the best of you - and Memphis or Dallas is a long way for emotional behavior.

But still, I've pondered this step. I finally talked with my boss. I explained my plight, and he understood. He answered questions for me about the changes, and recommended that I wait the three weeks to get to my 6 month point in my role (our company has a 6 month policy before you can change jobs). Six months is three weeks away.

I've been nail biting, as time has been ticking down to the three week mark. No closer to my decision, we've continued to look at homes, places to live, sights to see, etc. We're both passionate about either location, and are willing to make the change. I'm terrified to think of trying to sell our house, the financial and emotional strain of it, as well as the passion of being able to make these changes. Still, I've made no decision.

That leads me to today: I woke up no closer to a decision, only more nerve racked by the idea of the changes. My will is just as strong as my fear, and I don't know which to listen to.

Now, to backtrack for a moment, I must explain that I have taken to reading significantly more since graduation, most of which has been in the "self exploration" genre. Since I've been spending so much time on the road, I've decided to start listening to books on tape as well, to pass the time, and further enrich my life.

I've listened to several books on tape recently - the Da Vinci Code, Many Lives, Many Masters, as well as some Nicholas Sparks books. The other day, I came across some books on tape by Zig Ziglar - the amazing motivational speaker. I wrote down the names, excited to check them out (all but one was about sales, and I was hoping to better my knowledge and skills). However, the only one that was available was not about sales, but was a book called "View from the Top" and was about successful lives all together.

Today, on my way out to the Daytona Speedway, I decided to pop "View from the Top" in. The hour long trip over here my mind was racing - thinking about the decision I had to make, the steps I wanted to take, and where I felt I should be. I thought about our friends here, and the future there, and whether or not I wanted it to happen. I thought about Ben and how patient he is and willing to sacrifice for me. And I thought about the decision that needed to be made soon, within three weeks.

As Zig began to speak, his first words were about how you can change the course of your life in three weeks. How if you have the drive to do so, you can make your life both significant and successful in just three short weeks. Coincidence? I think not. Not when my life has been centered around three weeks all along. Seems silly, maybe...but it got me to listen. I sat up straighter and paid attention....and you know what followed? His quotes from his "close and personal friend and mentor" Fred Smith. The owner of my company. The person who has made all of this possible. He was talking about FedEx. My beacon. I still don't know what to make of it, but I feel as though my answer is there...I just need to listen.

I'm so excited I'm shaking...I'm amazed by the way that God speaks to you. If he hit me with a brick, I wouldn't listen...but he knows I look for the subtle signs...maybe I'm being stupid...but I feel like things are suddenly clear.

Another freaky "coincidence" that took place right before I put that CD in....I heard Carrie Underwood's new song, for the first time.

Here's the words to "Wasted":

Standing at the back door she tried to make it fast

One tear hit the hardwood, it fell like broken glass

She said sometimes love slips away

And you just can't get it back lets face it

For one split second she almost turned around

But that would be like pouring raindrops back into a cloud

So she took another step and said

I see the way out and i'm gonna take it

I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting

To wake up one day and find

That i let all of these years go by wasted

Another glass of whiskey, but it still don't kill the pain

He stumbles to the sink and pours it down the drain

He said it's time to be a man and stop living for yesterday

Gotta face it

i don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting

To wake up one day and find

That i let all of these years go by wasted

I don't wanna keep on wishing, missing

The still of the morning, the color of the night

I ain't spending no more time wasted

She kept driving along 'til the moon and the sun

Were floating side by side

He looked in the mirror and his eyes were clear

For the first time in a while

i don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting

To wake up one day and find

That i let all of these years go by wasted

I don't wanna keep on wishing, missing

The still of the morning, the color of the night

I ain't spending no more time wasted

Standing at the back door she tried to make it fast

One tear hit the hardwood, it fell like broken glass

She said sometimes love slips away

And you just can't get it back lets face it

For one split second she almost turned around

But that would be like pouring raindrops back into a cloud

So she took another step and said

I see the way out and i'm gonna take it

I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting

To wake up one day and find

That i let all of these years go by wasted

Another glass of whiskey, but it still don't kill the pain

He stumbles to the sink and pours it down the drain

..>..> ..>

..>..>

He said it's time to be a man and stop living for yesterday

Gotta face it

i don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting

To wake up one day and find

That i let all of these years go by wasted

I don't wanna keep on wishing, missing

The still of the morning, the color of the night

I ain't spending no more time wasted

She kept driving along 'til the moon and the sun

Were floating side by side

He looked in the mirror and his eyes were clear

For the first time in a while

i don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting

To wake up one day and find

That i let all of these years go by wasted

I don't wanna keep on wishing, missing

The still of the morning, the color of the night

I ain't spending no more time wasted

Another Great Read...

For One More Day - Mitch Albom

- But ask yourself this: Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time where you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back. What if you got it back?

- It's like this line is drawn somewhere in the world and if you never cross it, you'll never consider throwing yourself off a building or swallowing a bottle of pills - but if you do, you might.

- One day can bend your life, and that day seemed to bend mine inexhorably downward.

- But she wasn't around, and that's the thing when your parents die, you feel like instead of going into every fight with backup, you are going into every fight alone.

- To be honest, not all of me wanted it to end. When a lost loved one appears before you, it's your brain that fights it, not your heart.

- Have you ever dreamt of someone who's gone, Charley, but in the dream you have a new conversation? The world you enter then is not so far from the world I'm in now.

- "I don't know, Mom. Will I be with you forever, or will you be gone in a minute?" "You can find something truly important in a minute."

- I realized how your mother or father pass through you to your children, like it or not.

- "You know what I think?" she announces. "I think you have to try things in life. Is this something you believe in, Charley?" "Belief, hard work, love - you have those things, you can do anything."

- And I realized when you look at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know.

- "Secrets, Charley," my mother whispered. "They'll tear you apart."

- You can find something truly importan in an ordinary minute.

- "Remember me for these days, not the old ones."

- But what family isn't a ghost story? Sharing tales of those we've lost is how we keep from really losing them.

- One day spent with someone you love can change everything.