A glimpse inside my mind...

A glimpse inside my mind right now and the thoughts that have ensued. I am spurned, scorned, angry and upset...and I thank music for allowing me to express it.

While things didn't happen the way they should and I was shafted by people I trusted (big mistake), I have been reminded that when one door closes, another one opens. So thank you, Senior Management. Thank you for reminding me that I am better than this. Thank you for allowing me to remember that I deserve more, want more, need more, will accept nothing but more. Thank you for that motivation. You have no idea what you are losing.

You don't know how you got here, you just know you want out. Believing in yourself, almost as much as you doubt. – U2

My only words of wisdom are "radio edit" – Kid Rock

I'm for the low man on the totem pole, and I'm for the underdog god bless his soul. – Gretchen Wilson

I'm just one of many who can't get no respect. – Gretchen Wilson

I guess my opinion is all out of style, don't get me started because I can get wild. And I'll make a fight for the four father's plan. Hell the world already knows where I stand. – Gretchen Wilson

I try so hard not to get upset, because I know all the trouble I'll get. – Til Tuesday

And I try so hard to keep it inside, so no one can hear – Til Tuesday

You don't know how you took it, you just know what you got. – U2

You're a big smash, you wear it like a rash – U2

Gravity is working against me. And gravity wants to bring me down. – John Mayer

Just keep me where the light is – John Mayer

When it gets cold and it feels like the end, there's no place to go, you know I won't give in. – Avril Lavigne

There's nothing you could say, nothing you could do. There's no other way when it comes to the truth. So keep holding on, cause you'll make it through. – Avril Lavigne

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe. Nothing's gonna change destiny. Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly. – Avril Lavigne

And I was swept away with nothin' left to say. Some helpless fool… - Live

Life is like a shooting star, it don't matter who you are. If you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time. We are lost 'til we are found, this phoenix rises up from the ground and all these wars are over. – Live

I never made promises lightly – Sting

I would never wish bad things but I don't wish you well….could you tell by the flames that burned your words? – Kelly Clarkson

Give me that Sunday school answer…try to make it all okay. – Kelly Clarkson

Repent yourself away – Kelly Clarkson

Never again will I want to – Kelly Clarkson

They may believe you, but I never will….never again. – Kelly Clarkson

Don't believe in fear, don't believe in faith. Don't believe in anything that you can't break. – Garbage

You stupid girl….all you had you wasted. – Garbage

What drives you on can drive you mad. – Garbage

Don't believe in anything that you can't waste – Garbage

I thought you'd be out of my mind and I'd finally find a way to learn to live without you. I thought it was just a matter of time. Till I had hundred reasons not to think about you. But it's just not so and after all this time, I still can't let go. – Cult

I'm trying to escape you and I know there ain't no way to chase you from my mind. – Cult

There's a message in the wire, and I'm sending you this signal tonight. You don't know how desperate I've become and it looks like I'm losing this fight. In your world I have no meaning, though I'm trying hard to understand. – Allison Krauss

Why can't you see what you're doing to me? When you don't believe a word I say? We can't go on together with suspicious minds. And we can't build our dreams on suspicious minds. – Elvis Presley

You know I gave you the world. You had me in the palm of your hand. – Justin Timberlake

Don't want to think about it, don't want to talk about it, I'm just so sick about it. Can't believe it's ending this way. Just so confused about it, feeling the blues about it, I just can't do without ya, tell me is this fair? – Justin Timberlake

Is this the way it's really going down? Is this how we say goodbye? Should've known better when you came around that you were gonna make me cry. – Justin Timberlake

What goes around comes all the way back around. – Justin Timberlake

You cheated, my heart bleeds, so it goes withouth saying that you left me feeling hurt. Just a classic case, a scenario, tale as old as time. – Justin Timberlake

Can you help me unravel my latest mistake? – Anna Nalick

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button, so cradle your head in your hands and breath… - Anna Nalick

There's a light at each end of this tunnel. You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out. And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again. If you only try turning around. – Anna Nalick

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside me, threatening the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd cause the words are my diary, screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them, however you want to. – Anna Nalick

I walked around my good intentions and found that there were none – Our Lady Peace

I blame myself for being too much like somebody else. I never thought I would just bend this way then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong. – Our Lady Peace

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me. But this could be the best day of my life. – Our Lady Peace

Express yourself, don't repress yourself. – Madonna

And I'm not sorry, it's human nature. I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me. – Madonna

You wouldn't let me say the words I longed to say, you didn't want to see life through my eyes. You tried to shove me back inside your narrow room and silence me with bitterness and lies. – Madonna

Oops, I didn't know I couldn't speak my mind. – Madonna

You punished me for telling you my fantasies. I'm breaking all the rules I didn't make. You took my words and made a trap for silly fools, you held me down and tried to make me break. Did I say something true? I musta been crazy. Did I have a point of view? Oops, I didn't know we couldn't talk about you. – Madonna.

I'm not apologizing. You're the one with the problem. Why don't you just deal with it? – Madonna

I have no regrets. Just look in the mirror. – Madonna

Mama says idle hands make devils handywork – LeAnn Rimes

Forgive…sounds good. Forget, I'm not sure I could. They say time heals all wounds…I'm still waiting. – Dixie Chicks

I'm through with doubt. There's nothing left for me to figure out. I've paid a price and I'll keep paying. – Dixie Chicks

I'm not ready to make nice, I'm not ready to back down. I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to round and round and round. It's too late to make it right, I probably wouldn't if I could. Because I'm mad as hell can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should. – Dixie Chicks

I know what you said…"Can't you just get over it?" It turned my whole life around and I kind of like it. – Dixie Chicks

I've seen the devil, stared him straight in the eyes. – Van Zant

Yeah, I've been down that road, and I ain't goin back again. – Van Zant

I caused more damage than a hurricane. I broke your heart and didn't feel a thing. – Van Zant

Wow...

Lots has been going on with me the past few weeks, but something happened today that had a much larger impact on me and my life than anything else. I learned something today....and I want to share it with the world.

I learned selflessness. I learned humbleness. I learned the meaning of true, unconditional love. I am married to the most amazing man. This I knew...believe me, he's been wonderful. But, today, I learned how lucky I truly am to have someone as amazing as him in my life.

Sometimes I'm not nice to him. Sometimes I'm a downright bitch to him. Honestly, I think I make a pretty shitty wife. And overall, I often wonder why the hell he stays with me. But I've known all along that he loves me, truly and deeply. And today, I finally recongized it. I saw it. I felt it. And it moved me to tears.

I will keep the details to myself, as they are a part of my private life that I choose not to share right now, but they involve medical procedures and my self esteem. Due to circumstances that I do not want to currently discuss, my hopes of getting this procedure done were squashed. This is something I've wanted all my life, and while I have not talked about it that much prior to the potential of this happening, it became very apparent to him how important this was to me.

I never would have expected anyone to act as selflessly as he did. When my hopes of affording this were dashed, he has decided to use money from his retirement to make me happy. This is no small change...this is thousands and thousands of dollars. He is giving this to me as my Christmas present. I'm amazed and astounded and I can't stop getting choked up. This is so much more than a Christmas present. This is an expression of his love and devotion for me, and his desire to make me happy, regardless of the cost or importance to him.

I learned what love was today. My heart swells with how lucky I am to have someone so amazing in my life. He is the other half of me....the half that I want to become.

I love you, Benji. I love you for who you are and what you are and everything about you. You are my best friend, my love, my heart, my soul, my everything. Thank you for loving me. I hope I can show that love to you and then some. I'm a lucky woman.

P.S. - He's so amazing. He just brought me dinner without me asking. And he stitched up our dog, and didn't yell at me when I did something stupid. I'm a lucky woman.