There are times that emptiness and loneliness creep into my mind and play tricks with my psyche and my heart. They search as dark clouds, shading my happiness and outlook on life. It sucks my energy from my body and empties the deepest recesses of my being. At this time, no one and nothing can pull me out of the funk. Not my husband, not my friends, not my family, not myself....I simply need to hold on tight and pray to survive it.
There is no greater feeling in life than loneliness. Love comes close, but I truly believe loneliness is stronger, due to it's crippling nature. It takes hold of you and squeezes the breath from your lungs, the beat from your heart, and the soul from your being. At those moments, I am at my weakest and my thoughts begin to wander. During those times, I believe that I am unloved, worthless, and no one to anyone. I hate myself, loathe myself, and am cold and empty to my core. The sun disappears on those days. The rays could be blinding, but my mood is so dark that all around me is black. Nothing can change that feeling or bring in the sunshine. At that moment, happy people "don't get it", normal people are the enemies, and dark, broading people are my best friends and biggest allies. I am insecure. I am vulnerable. I am in need.
I want to run, yet my feet are grounded. I want to scream, yet I have no voice. I want to cry, but the tears stream empty and lonely, matching the pits of my soul.
It's a feeling of mourning - missing the gaps in my soul, in my heart. It's triggers vary and are not often the same - but when it happens, I drive fast into the pits of lonely hell and can not see a way out. There is no going back or ignoring the dark clouds looming over me.
How do you avoid it? How do you keep yourself from feeling this way when you don't know what causes it? Why is someone full of love and surrounded by people that love her, feeling the way? Why do I feel so empty sometimes??
I become desperate to fill the emptiness...I see miserable companions. I want someone who understands me, is like me, feels like me. Someone who understands the darkness that surrounds me, and understands me in the darkness. Someone who's lungs are being crushed by the consuming feeling. However, these people only bring me down further, driving me into an even darker hell. We feel each other's mysery...which may be great for a moment of self loathing, but bad for all involved. These are empty friendships and they simply cause more loneliness. They are self absorbed and all consuming and do not drive good.
Eventually, I slowly come out of it. The clouds part, the sun rays begin to glow, the shiny, happy people make an impact on my day. I want the dark people to go away...to be happy too. My heart is still damaged, a small part of it has died forever. But it continues to beat, driving my life, my breath, my being. I come out of the darkness. I am loved again. I am happy again. I am surrounded by my husband, my friends, my family, the important people. But how long before the loneliness and emptiness creep in again?
