I believe there are no coincidences. I'm sure I've said this before. Life is too deliberate to follow a random course. I believe that everything that happens in life, happens for a reason. The close calls, the chance meetings, the voice in your ear telling you not to do something, despite the fact that you really want to....all lead you to a deliberate path in your life.
I have struggled recently with the decision to uproot Ben and my lifes, by applying for positions that have recently come available in our Marketing department, in both Memphis and Dallas. While I have a phenominal job now, I am not truly happy in it, and saw these postings as a beacon of light in my currently dim world. I originally crossed paths with these postings over 1 1/2 months ago - on a day that I was sure I was going to quit my job.
Now understand that job availability in our Marketing department NEVER happens. Our Marketing department is substatially huge, and envelopes and amazing team - all of which realize the great job they have. They are not interested in leaving their current positions, so the only opportunity for an opening is when people get promoted. However, our Marketing department has grown recently, and over 20 positions have been listed in our department - all arriving around the time that I decided I'm unsure whether I want to do this sales thing anymore or not.
So, like I said....it felt like a beacon. But, I'm not a quiter, and I felt like I was running from something. I felt the emotional draw to the position was due to my extremely bad day, and that I needed some time to review my life when I wasn't upset, and see if that was the course I was ready to take.
A month went by...and then another two weeks, and I followed a course of up and down. I've thought long and hard about these opportunities, but was unable to make a decision as to the pursuit of it. I talked with Ben...we've researched areas, homes, and the like, all looking to see if this is what we want to do. We're both ready...yet something has been holding me back.
Then, following a series of events in the past couple weeks (see really angry blog), I've ultimately bittered toward this position and the likes of my development opportunities within the sales department. Yet, I'm still unwilling to make a decision. I'm not sure why - I guess it's still the feeling that I'm running away, and not running to something. It's a big decision - one I don't want to do based on an emotional decision. Emotions get the best of you - and Memphis or Dallas is a long way for emotional behavior.
But still, I've pondered this step. I finally talked with my boss. I explained my plight, and he understood. He answered questions for me about the changes, and recommended that I wait the three weeks to get to my 6 month point in my role (our company has a 6 month policy before you can change jobs). Six months is three weeks away.
I've been nail biting, as time has been ticking down to the three week mark. No closer to my decision, we've continued to look at homes, places to live, sights to see, etc. We're both passionate about either location, and are willing to make the change. I'm terrified to think of trying to sell our house, the financial and emotional strain of it, as well as the passion of being able to make these changes. Still, I've made no decision.
That leads me to today: I woke up no closer to a decision, only more nerve racked by the idea of the changes. My will is just as strong as my fear, and I don't know which to listen to.
Now, to backtrack for a moment, I must explain that I have taken to reading significantly more since graduation, most of which has been in the "self exploration" genre. Since I've been spending so much time on the road, I've decided to start listening to books on tape as well, to pass the time, and further enrich my life.
I've listened to several books on tape recently - the Da Vinci Code, Many Lives, Many Masters, as well as some Nicholas Sparks books. The other day, I came across some books on tape by Zig Ziglar - the amazing motivational speaker. I wrote down the names, excited to check them out (all but one was about sales, and I was hoping to better my knowledge and skills). However, the only one that was available was not about sales, but was a book called "View from the Top" and was about successful lives all together.
Today, on my way out to the Daytona Speedway, I decided to pop "View from the Top" in. The hour long trip over here my mind was racing - thinking about the decision I had to make, the steps I wanted to take, and where I felt I should be. I thought about our friends here, and the future there, and whether or not I wanted it to happen. I thought about Ben and how patient he is and willing to sacrifice for me. And I thought about the decision that needed to be made soon, within three weeks.
As Zig began to speak, his first words were about how you can change the course of your life in three weeks. How if you have the drive to do so, you can make your life both significant and successful in just three short weeks. Coincidence? I think not. Not when my life has been centered around three weeks all along. Seems silly, maybe...but it got me to listen. I sat up straighter and paid attention....and you know what followed? His quotes from his "close and personal friend and mentor" Fred Smith. The owner of my company. The person who has made all of this possible. He was talking about FedEx. My beacon. I still don't know what to make of it, but I feel as though my answer is there...I just need to listen.
I'm so excited I'm shaking...I'm amazed by the way that God speaks to you. If he hit me with a brick, I wouldn't listen...but he knows I look for the subtle signs...maybe I'm being stupid...but I feel like things are suddenly clear.
Another freaky "coincidence" that took place right before I put that CD in....I heard Carrie Underwood's new song, for the first time.
Here's the words to "Wasted":
Standing at the back door she tried to make it fast
One tear hit the hardwood, it fell like broken glass
She said sometimes love slips away
And you just can't get it back lets face it
For one split second she almost turned around
But that would be like pouring raindrops back into a cloud
So she took another step and said
I see the way out and i'm gonna take it
I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting
To wake up one day and find
That i let all of these years go by wasted
Another glass of whiskey, but it still don't kill the pain
He stumbles to the sink and pours it down the drain
He said it's time to be a man and stop living for yesterday
Gotta face it
i don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting
To wake up one day and find
That i let all of these years go by wasted
I don't wanna keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time wasted
She kept driving along 'til the moon and the sun
Were floating side by side
He looked in the mirror and his eyes were clear
For the first time in a while
i don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting
To wake up one day and find
That i let all of these years go by wasted
I don't wanna keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time wasted
Standing at the back door she tried to make it fast
One tear hit the hardwood, it fell like broken glass
She said sometimes love slips away
And you just can't get it back lets face it
For one split second she almost turned around
But that would be like pouring raindrops back into a cloud
So she took another step and said
I see the way out and i'm gonna take it
I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting
To wake up one day and find
That i let all of these years go by wasted
Another glass of whiskey, but it still don't kill the pain
He stumbles to the sink and pours it down the drain
..>..> ..>
..>..>
He said it's time to be a man and stop living for yesterday
Gotta face it
i don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting
To wake up one day and find
That i let all of these years go by wasted
I don't wanna keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time wasted
She kept driving along 'til the moon and the sun
Were floating side by side
He looked in the mirror and his eyes were clear
For the first time in a while
i don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting
To wake up one day and find
That i let all of these years go by wasted
I don't wanna keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time wasted
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