(Editorial note: This is written to be silly. I am meaning no arrogance by it. Ben says it sounds arrogant.)
Dear Men:
Let me begin this letter by saying thank you for your adoration and affection. I appreciate that you appreciate me and my fellow women. However, I feel as though it is necessary to provide you with some open and honest feedback about your approach to females and the subsequent flirting, lack of flirting, ogling, and down right embarrassing tactics to get my attention.
First of all, I get it. I'm cute. I'm big breasted, shapely, with a fairly nice ass. I realize that my body is far from perfect, but that I present a buxom look that a lot of men go for. I recognize this as well as that it is in men's nature to look. However, please allow me to provide you with the following feedback:
- When glancing my way, make it less obvious. The once over, followed by the slow pass over my breasts is far more obvious than you think. I'm not blind…I'm know what you're doing. I simply choose to ignore your glances because…well….I find you annoying.
- When trying to be more obvious about your intentions to check me out, please make them less disgusting. While I like being checked out (let's face it, we all do), I don't like feeling like some complete stranger knows what my naughty bits look like. The ogle is much better form when paired with a smile or a wink, and not a whistle or a "hey baby."
- If you are so inclined as to approach me and actually speak to me, please note that my eyes and breasts are not on the same level. My eyes are actually more than a foot above my breast line. You are likely to actually get a response from me if you look me somewhat in my face, or at some point at least glance away from my chest. Oh, and let me go ahead and answer those burning questions of yours': yes, they are real, yes, they are nice, and no, you can't touch them.
- Why would you ask to touch them? They're not your's. God did not grace you with breasts for a reason. God did not grace you with MY breasts for a reason. While, in the heat of the moment with my husband, I tend to like my breasts being touched, no where in that sentence does it say that I want YOU to touch them. Try it, and see what happens. No…seriously. I encourage you.
- Which brings me to my next point: I am married. If the shiny gold diamond ring on my left hand didn't give it away, you would think the fact that I told you I am married would. I am not interested in you, your talents, your skills, or why you think you are better than my husband. Believe me, you aren't. I have no interest in what you have to offer and WILL be going home to my husband, and not your bachelor pad.
- Why do you feel that the wedding ring on my left hand is a green light? Yes, I am married. Yes, that is a real wedding ring you see on my left hand. No, I'm not interested in sleeping with you. No, I'm not interested in you at all. Yes, I am happy with my husband. No, I'm not interested in a threesome.
- On the off chance that you impress me enough to converse with you, please keep the conversation going. I'm not talking to you because I'm wondering what you look like without your pants on. I recognize that you are truly interested in ogling my breasts, but that you are one of the few savvy men that understand that a little chat goes a long way. Yes, I realize that you are not listening to what I have to say. Sadly, you don't realize that I have no interest in what you have to say. I just appreciate that you have made an effort at being more direct but respectful at wanting to ogle at my breasts.
- Just because I wear a low or lower cut shirt, does not mean I am a tramp. I have nice breasts. We have established this. I recognize this….after all, I have seen them every day of my life. Like I mentioned before, I appreciate the looks….but, there's a difference between class and trash. I leave enough to the imagination….and that's all. It will not get to be more than that….no matter how hard you try. But please, by all means, feel free to buy me that $10 drink, chat with me so I can act like I'm listening, and get your obvious glances at my ample bosom out of your system. Your $10 Jack and Diet entrance fee is fair game for a good look at the girls…..but, that's as far as it goes. You will not be seeing more of me than you currently are.
- If you buy me a drink, AND I accept it, the next step is not bed. I've accept it with the understanding that I'm going to have to socialize with you and accept your flirting with light-heartedness. Keep this in perspective. You spent $10 on me….it's going take a lot more than that to get in my pants. Suggest it, and you'll be wearing that drink.
Please do not take any of this as a lack of appreciation for your adoration. While I love the attention, I believe that if your energy was better directed, your results will be exponentially higher. I wish you luck with your quest to find that buxom girl of your fantasies….but, please....heeding my feedback will likely get you that buxom girl that much faster.
Best wishes and happy ogling!
Annie
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