Relationships and confusing things. I wish it was possible to see the outcome of life, or at least in the romance department. I don't understand why things have taken the path that they have, and why no clear outcome has come of it yet. Is it my fault? Is it no one's fault? Is it everyone's fault?
I spent another Christmas Eve spending time with Ian. This is the third year in a row that I've ended up spending time with him on Christmas Eve. I have not seen him in six months...not since the day after his father's funeral, when he came over. The day he told me he loved me, and I told him his father told me a couple of things that someday I would share with him. I have tried, time and time again to spend time together - with Ben and without. Everytime I try, he blows me off, it seems, or at least has so many more important things to do. So, six months has passed and nothing.
I called him most recently to get together for his birthday - our annual thing where we spend the greater part of the day together, usually just the two of us. It's a nice time...just hanging out and doing whatever - nothing in particular, just enjoying each other's company. So, on his birthday weekend, we couldn't get together. The following weekend, we couldn't get together. But on Wednesday, he called me and said he wanted to get together this weekend. I figured he'd just end up blowing me off again, but we did end up getting together, at his house, on Sunday afternoon.
Maybe I over-analize things...maybe I don't. But it seems like when I'm with him, I hand on every word, and find the power behind each thing that either of us, or anyone around us for that matter, has to day. Sunday was no different.
I was hurt and mad when I text him at 8am and told him to call when he got up and had not heard from him when I called him at 10am. I hung out in the area for a while (I was dog sitting for Melissa) and finally gave up...I was pretty pissed that I was being blown off again. But finally, around 1pm, he called and said he just got up. He wanted to know what we were doing, and whether I was going over there, or he was coming over here. I told him here wasn't good (too messy) and he said the same about his place and that his mom had a friend coming over. I wondered if he had alterior motives.
He didn't call again me until 3pm, asking me to finally come over, after running a bunch of errands. I was kind of mad - because I think he knew full well I was going to not be able to stay long, since it was Christmas Eve. Again, I wondered if he alterior motives - maybe to see how long he could keep me there, away from Ben.
When I arrived at the house, he was waiting outside for me...gave me a big, almost awkward hug, and we went inside. He immediately took me to his room, which had moved places since I was last there. He now has the other master, a beautiful room that's extremely spacious and inviting. He showed me new awards and pictures, of his Escrema training, and events he had attended. My jealousy raged when I saw one of the girls that continued showing up in the pictures next to him, almost like they were together (I found out later that she is a part of his Escrema crew - jealousy disappeared). He showed me his new weapons, and then told me about training, and showed me this saraong that his master's wife had made him. He was showing me training moves he could do with the saraong and kept typing up my hands. Again, I wondered if there was an alterior motive. Wishful thinking?? LOL!
So, we went out on the back patio, and hung out there for a while. I don't think we were there more than 30 minutes alone, and his mother arrived home. She came outside and gave me a big hug, followed by the third degree about myself...work, Ben, life in general. We talked about Christmas gifts and what I got Ben, and she mortified Ian by talking about his underwear habits (what is it about boys and holey underwear??). From that point on, she didn't allow us out of her site.
It was very clear she was trying to keep us seperated...although, I felt like it was more keeping me from him, than him from me. Nothing was happening, but I'm sure she sensed the interaction between us. I talked for a long time about quilting and such with him, and I can tell she adores me...so I don't understand why she felt she had to put herself between us. Her and Ian had several moments where they had "private" whisper conversations, all of which I know had to do with me.
Mary asked how Ben and I met....and Ian listened, but said nothing. I knew that I was opening up old wounds...because as I told the story, he realized that it began when we were ending. I felt so bad....but what could I do? I had to answer the question.
After a while, I knew I had to get out of there - just because of her looming over us like a mother hen (believe me, it upset me, but I wanted time alone with him) - and we went over and took Melissa's dog for a walk. It was nice walking with him - but I was dying for him to reach for my hand or pull me close or something that would show an inkling of emotion, and nothing. Sometimes he distanced himself behind me, sometimes in front of me, and sometimes he walked right behind me...but I never felt like we were definitely walking "together."
He's a hard person to read - that I know. When I left, he gave me a hug...almost an awkward one but a big bear hug, like normal. I felt like we both wanted, needed to talk about that conversation and my letter, but we didn't. And I feel almost like it put a distance between us. I told him I didn't want another six months to go by without seeing each other...and he agreed, but not so convincingly.
Yesterday, I text him. He didn't reply for several hours later. It wasn't important, just well wishes, but none the less, he didn't respond right away. I don't know why that bothered me. When he did, he sent me two messages, both of which Ben checked. Luckily, nothing that would upset him was sent (not that anything inappropriate would be, but still...he's sensitive). I called him around 8pm to wish him Merry Christmas and I almost felt like I was blown off.
Why do I get so insanely jealous without knowing anything? Why can't I accept that he told me he loves me...whatever way that means? Why do I obsess over him? And why is it that as a I walked through his house, I've never been more comfortable, never felt more at home, or loved and accepted, in my life? Why is it that I could see myself living there in the future...with him? Why is this all so messed up???
