Taking the Road Less Travelled

© Anneliese Quaile

I believe in taking the road less travelled. I believe in making your own footprint, guiding your own path, creating your own destiny. I don't believe that anyone is a victim, only a victim of circumstance. My life has been filled with disappointments, shortcomings and mistreatment. My story is as sad and uplifting as anyone else's. The difference is that I have taken those life stories, lessons, and disappointments and used them as an opportunity for growth and personal development. I refuse to be a martyr, live downtrodden, tyrannized, or to feel powerless by my experiences. I would rather take the bad, learn from it, and use it to build my character. I am happy with who I am - I am strong, faithful, intelligent, and secure. I am slightly broken, but believe I am better for it. I am me. And I'm happy that way.

Frustration is a part of life.

Often times life feels like it puts things in your way just to harm you. Greater beings, karma, human powers...who knows. But it always seems like the universe has a way of playing you like a puppet on a string. Relationships are often similar. You find yourself in a battle between good and evil, trying to be the good supporter, spouse, friend, and relative. Yet often times you often feel misunderstood, misused, ignored, and forgotten. Sometimes I feel like I'm on an island all my own...like no one in the world notices me. And then there's other times that I wish I was on an island all my own and that everyone would just go away.

I don't appreciate feeling used. I'm sure that statement is an unfair assessment of the context it's being used in, but it's still the way I feel. Often times I don't get the affection I wish for, the attention I crave, or the consideration or understanding I feel I deserve. It's times like that that I feel used and treated like a martyr, a slave, or a ward. "Do this for me?", "Where is that?", "Can you do this?", "I need money for...." I feel like I'm here for everyone else's wants and needs, with no consideration of my own. I get frustrated, disappointed, and annoyed. Then I get cranky, and I take it out on those that make me feel that way. Is it fair? Probably not. Is it warranted? Who am I to be the judge? But I've learned over the years that some things never change, and frustration will always be a part of my existence. I can learn to accept it, fight it, or meet it somewhere in the middle. I'm still trying to figure out which one it is I want to do.

Food for Thought....

I just finished the excellent, critically acclaimed book, The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch. I'm sure you've heard of the story - Randy was a Carnagie Mellon professor who was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Despite his short time left, Randy gave the ultimate gift to his students, faculty, staff, family, and friends - a "last lecture" to remember forever. Randy's lecture ran the gammot of life lessons learned, mistakes made, and the things not to take for granted. Excellent read...highly recommended. Among his incredibly insightful thoughts and stories, one in particular stood out to me...I thought it was good food for thought:

'When I was finally dismissed, one of the assistant coaches came over to reassure me. "Coach Graham rode you pretty hard, didn't he?" he said. I could barely muster a "yeah." "That's a good thing," the assistant told me. "When you're screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they've given up on you."

'The lesson has stuck with me my whole life. When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a bad place to be. You may not want to hear it, but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and care about you, and want to make you better.'

It's New Year's Resolution time, and time to look back on last year's and see how I've done...

New Year's Resolution Update....

It's 2008, and time for a final review of my 2007 new year's resolutions, as well as making my 2008 resolutions.

- Spend more time with my husband. Individual time...quality time. Not, let's run to the grocery store time. So, overall, I think we've done better at this. Definitely can work towards more in 2008, but I think our time together may have become more limited at times, it was quality when we had it. We have some work to do. Work got in the way....Ben's schedule changed and we don't see eachother much.

- Further my education. This does not have to be in the form of actual schooling, but I want to learn more about something. It doesn't even have to be school related, or degree related. I just want to enlighten myself more. Anyone have any suggestions? I have read, read, and read somemore. I've learned some more. Goals for 2008: look into Graduate school more actively and learn to scrapbook. Yeah, so, not so much. I did a little scrapbooking this year, but still haven't taken any classes. I have, however, learned how to sew (basic, but still) and am looking into Graduate school, but not with any seriousness. That will change soon.

- Focus on my health. Ah, the innevitable blip about how I do not focus enough on my health goals, and therefore every year challenge myself to do something about it. This year will be no different. At least, in the challenge that is. Hopefully, with some due dilegence, the outcome will change. Focus includes getting rid of excess weight, unwanted cough, blood pressure medicine, and crazy pills. Crazy pills would be an amazing feat....those are likely with me for life. So my health has been a bit of a rollercoaster....but overall, it's been much better than before. I haven't stuck to the gym like I should, but I have dropped approximately 15 lbs since last year that has remained off, and overall I feel healthier than ever. I made huge strides in changing my health this year. I had weight loss surgery, and am down close to 50lbs. I have a ways to go, but I'm focused. I need to be more dedicated and get my ass in the gym like immediately to further my success, but I am so proud of the steps I've taken thus far. A change has done me good! I feel great!

- Be happier. Stop going through the motions of life and enjoy them. Take some time to stop and smell the roses. Definitely made huge strides here. I have stopped to smell a lot of roses, and worried a lot less. Not happy for the most part. I need to make some changes.

- See friends and family more. Spend that free time seeing people that you don't normalily get to. See friends as much as possible. Visit family as much as possible. Friends has gotten better...family needs to be seen more. Still need to work on this.

- Plan outings. Go to them. That's gonna be carried over to 2008. Still need to work on this. But I have varied my interests this year and seen things I've always wanted to see. Also, we're going to New York for Thanksgiving next year, so I am super excited. New York City, here I come!!!

- Eliminate something significant off that "always wanted to do list." Current ideas: make the t-shirt quilt (this could also serve as the education, since I would need both to complete this task), jump out of a plane, visit California, just to name a few. Ideas? Ok, so I've done a lot of firsts this year....and still coming up with new ones all the time. This has been great!

- Get myself promoted and out of this current position as near as possible to September 1st. This goal is actually carried over from 2006, but can not be accomplished earlier than the September 1st date. I told myself I'd be in this position for a year...Sept. 1st will be the one year date. Yeah....that's a mess. BIG changes with work recently....fingers crossed that it's gotten better...

- Do not quit my job in March. Sounds silly, I know, but I have a track record of 3.5 years with a company. March 07 will be my 3.5 year mark. I don't have any intentions of leaving, and do not really want to, but it all starts out that way. If I do leave, make it worth while. Still there and ticking! I'm a survivor!!

- Love more, argue less. Smile more, pout less. Definitely improved. Work has not helped this.

- Overcome my cold calling weaknesses. Not even a fear anymore.

- Don't get fired. So, I don't think I'm at risk, but....well....you never know. =) I'm a survivor!!

- Learn to love my current position. Yeah, another long story. We'll see...

- Complete this list prior to December 31, 2007. Not bad.... And so starts another one.

The Irony of Election Day...

Today's election day. A pivotal day in the future of our country. Like many of my fellow American's, I stood in line today to cast my vote for our country. I hope you did the same.

On this serious day, I couldn't help but find humor in the scenes I passed. As I drove up to my polling place and walked to the end of the 400 person line, I was struck by how white and Republican we all looked. Talk about stereotyping a group - here we all stood, most of us with our hair perfectly quaffed, our nicely pressed clothing and our designer bags, standing peacefully in line waiting for our turn to change the future. The campaigners stood quietly by the road, raising signs and waving at passing cars and everyone kept to themselves. Is the group actually predominantly Republican? I don't know. But, I would say 300 of us fit the WASP description perfectly....guess I learned today the type of area I live in (not a bad thing...I like a quiet neighborhood). After an hour in line, I completed my task, hopped in my car, and headed on my way.

A couple of hours later, I was headed down Silver Star Road, in the direction of Pine Hills. I had passed several other polling locations along the way, all with varying types of scenes displayed out in front. And then I hit Pine Hills, and the irony of it all hit me.

Just as I crossed over Pine Hills Road, I was greeted by a group of barely 18 year old African American girls, standing in the middle of the road waving Cambrio signs (I dont' know who that is either...not on our voting list), booty dancing to music blasting from the precinct parking lot. The smell of bbq filled the air and what seemed like insanity ensued in the parking lot. Signs were everywhere there was a free spot of land, and the whole thing was a sight you could not miss.

Now, I don't point this out for race purposes, to pick on anyone. I just found the irony in how different cultures and different people live. How funny, that I can drive less than five miles down the road, and be greeted by what seemed like a completely different world? Interesting how some of us take the day so stoicly, as if it were a job, and others celebrate, as if it were a right. I have to appreciate the other precinct for remembering that this is a RIGHT and not a DUTY.

Who has it right? Who knows. Do we have to have it one way or the other? No. But seeing this, I felt like it was clearly divided as to which precinct favored which candidate....and how different people are all other.

A Beautiful Girl

In your life, you often find a line from a movie that will touch you deeply...make you think, change the way you think, or open your eyes to a completely different view. I love movies. I love the brilliant writers that write brilliant dialouge between characters that touches your heart and your soul. Most of the time, you find that in B movies. Deep movies very rarely make it to "A" status. If so, I think it would be safe to say that it's typically for the wrong reason, and has nothing to do with the story or the characters, but the hype that has been played in order to make lots of money.

In 1994, a brilliant movie was released that never did well in the theaters. Beautiful Girls was a story about a group of people who grew up together, in a small town, and were trying to make a go of their lives. Their various dramas played out as the protaginist returned to his hometown for the high school reunion. This list of well known actors is long, and well versed. And the writers...well, were downright brilliant.

If you have never seen this film, you must. It's that simple. It's about relationships, about women and men understanding women and the complexity of a woman. The piece below is my favorite part from the movie....it's fairly insignificant for the story line, but beautiful and has stayed with me for 14 years. I hope you appreciate it as much as I do.

A Beautiful Girl

From the recesses of my mind...

There are times that emptiness and loneliness creep into my mind and play tricks with my psyche and my heart. They search as dark clouds, shading my happiness and outlook on life. It sucks my energy from my body and empties the deepest recesses of my being. At this time, no one and nothing can pull me out of the funk. Not my husband, not my friends, not my family, not myself....I simply need to hold on tight and pray to survive it.

There is no greater feeling in life than loneliness. Love comes close, but I truly believe loneliness is stronger, due to it's crippling nature. It takes hold of you and squeezes the breath from your lungs, the beat from your heart, and the soul from your being. At those moments, I am at my weakest and my thoughts begin to wander. During those times, I believe that I am unloved, worthless, and no one to anyone. I hate myself, loathe myself, and am cold and empty to my core. The sun disappears on those days. The rays could be blinding, but my mood is so dark that all around me is black. Nothing can change that feeling or bring in the sunshine. At that moment, happy people "don't get it", normal people are the enemies, and dark, broading people are my best friends and biggest allies. I am insecure. I am vulnerable. I am in need.

I want to run, yet my feet are grounded. I want to scream, yet I have no voice. I want to cry, but the tears stream empty and lonely, matching the pits of my soul.

It's a feeling of mourning - missing the gaps in my soul, in my heart. It's triggers vary and are not often the same - but when it happens, I drive fast into the pits of lonely hell and can not see a way out. There is no going back or ignoring the dark clouds looming over me.

How do you avoid it? How do you keep yourself from feeling this way when you don't know what causes it? Why is someone full of love and surrounded by people that love her, feeling the way? Why do I feel so empty sometimes??

I become desperate to fill the emptiness...I see miserable companions. I want someone who understands me, is like me, feels like me. Someone who understands the darkness that surrounds me, and understands me in the darkness. Someone who's lungs are being crushed by the consuming feeling. However, these people only bring me down further, driving me into an even darker hell. We feel each other's mysery...which may be great for a moment of self loathing, but bad for all involved. These are empty friendships and they simply cause more loneliness. They are self absorbed and all consuming and do not drive good.

Eventually, I slowly come out of it. The clouds part, the sun rays begin to glow, the shiny, happy people make an impact on my day. I want the dark people to go away...to be happy too. My heart is still damaged, a small part of it has died forever. But it continues to beat, driving my life, my breath, my being. I come out of the darkness. I am loved again. I am happy again. I am surrounded by my husband, my friends, my family, the important people. But how long before the loneliness and emptiness creep in again?