New Year's Resolution Update...

So, apparently, I have not given an update on my resolutions since February. I thought I had done some since then, but I guess not. Oops! So here's the update...:

- Spend more time with my husband. Individual time...quality time. Not, let's run to the grocery store time. Some days we fall into the old pattern, but for the most part, we're spending more time together. Definitely think the time is more quality now.

- Further my education. This does not have to be in the form of actual schooling, but I want to learn more about something. It doesn't even have to be school related, or degree related. I just want to enlighten myself more. Anyone have any suggestions? I've looked into Graduate school, but am mostly using my free time to educate myself on myself, via self help and self understanding books. Sounds a little strange, but it's actually quite enlightening. I'm also learning to be more creative and artistic.

- Focus on my health. Ah, the innevitable blip about how I do not focus enough on my health goals, and therefore every year challenge myself to do something about it. This year will be no different. At least, in the challenge that is. Hopefully, with some due dilegence, the outcome will change. Focus includes getting rid of excess weight, unwanted cough, blood pressure medicine, and crazy pills. Crazy pills would be an amazing feat....those are likely with me for life. Wow. So I haven't been to the gym in months. Not good. Good news is that they have opened one MUCH closer to me, and now I don't have that as an excuse (used to drive 30 minutes to get to gym). Strep throat, sinus infection, and bronchitis seem to be in check, and allergies are being worked on. Definitely headed in the right direction. Had a horrible bout with the flu a few weeks ago, but seem to be over it. Stomach problems got worse, and I finally decided that the way to fix it was to not eat. Yeah, that worked for all of like 4 hours. Instead, I decided to go to basic foods - brown rice, veggies, the like. Since I have done that, I have felt healthier than ever. I've also lost weight.....I have no idea how much, but I'm guessing around 20lbs. Great strides!

- Be happier. Stop going through the motions of life and enjoy them. Take some time to stop and smell the roses. I'm enjoying the little things more....but I do need to slow down.

- See friends and family more. Spend that free time seeing people that you don't normalily get to. See friends as much as possible. Visit family as much as possible. Was doing better at this....been shitty at it recently. I miss everyone....I need to get out there again.

- Plan outings. Go to them. A few outings planned...all gone on.

- Eliminate something significant off that "always wanted to do list." Current ideas: make the t-shirt quilt (this could also serve as the education, since I would need both to complete this task), jump out of a plane, visit California, just to name a few. Ideas? Ok, so I've done a lot of firsts this year....and still coming up with new ones all the time.

- Get myself promoted and out of this current position as near as possible to September 1st. This goal is actually carried over from 2006, but can not be accomplished earlier than the September 1st date. I told myself I'd be in this position for a year...Sept. 1st will be the one year date. So, I'm thinking that September 1st is rushing out of the job. It's gotten much, much better and I am actually enjoying it. While I still don't want to stay in Sales for the long run, I think I'm doing well right now and want to do this for a while longer.

- Do not quit my job in March. Sounds silly, I know, but I have a track record of 3.5 years with a company. March 07 will be my 3.5 year mark. I don't have any intentions of leaving, and do not really want to, but it all starts out that way. If I do leave, make it worth while. July and I'm still here. Seems I might have broken the trend. I'm at almost 4 years, still love the company, still like the job, still want to grow and stay and still happy. =) This is good!

- Love more, argue less. Smile more, pout less. I think I'm getting much better at this.

- Overcome my cold calling weaknesses. Not even a fear anymore. Every once in a while I get a bout of it, but more or less, no problem.

- Don't get fired. So, I don't think I'm at risk, but....well....you never know. =)

- Learn to love my current position. Ok, love is a strong word. But I do like it...not willing to say a lot or quite a bit, but what I will say is that I am happy to get out of bed in the morning and go do my thing. And I think I'm getting good at it. But, I still don't love the Sales thing, and my heart is in Marketing....but I'm excited about where the prospects will take me!

- Complete this list prior to December 31, 2007. So I've got a few things to work on....but I'm doing pretty good!

How does karma work?

How does karma work? Does it play on the bad you did only, or does it accept your attempt to fix it?

Recently, I inadvertently hurt someone. I attempted to fix it, was honest and straight forward, and remorseful....and seemed to only make it worse. While trying to fix the problem, I succeeded in only making myself feel the burden released, but making that person feel worse. That was never my intentions and I feel horrible for it. At this point, I'm unsure I can right the wrongs.

However, I did try. I attempted to make ammends for my indiscretions, with the best of intentions in mind. The offended reacted as I hoped they wouldn't...and in the end, only managed to hurt me more than I hurt them. They have made no attempt to fix it....nor is it likely they will.

So, how does karma work? Am I faulted on the initial errors, and my attempt to fix it is ignored? Is my error forgiven because of my attempt to right a wrong? Do they cancel eachother out? Or are both weighed and balanced, and the appropriate course is taken? Does the person I hurt, who hurt me back, face karma as well? And if I do suffer from my errors, how do I fix them when my attempt to right the wrong I did was only made worse?

My crazy ass dogs...

My dogs…oh my crazy, silly, wild at times dogs. I'm sure you have heard a story or two….if only I had a camera for this one:

Let me set this up by reminding you all that Porkchop, our youngest mutt, is a permanent puppy…she is the most precious yet wild third "child" any family could have. Porkchop has destroyed most everything we own in our home at one time or another, reeks havoc on our lives, and melts our hearts. She will eat your shoes (at least 4 pairs of mine so far), and then look at you with big doe eyes and plead forgiveness. How do you stay mad at that? She's been nearly impossible to train – despite two other perfectly angelic, well behaved and thoroughly trained mutts, she has chosen to be adorably belligerent. While she knows better for the most part, she seems to constantly challenge why…and sometimes the nutty things she does are just down right hilarious….today was one of those days.

Because Porkchop has a tendency to like to eat everything in her reach when we are not home, we crate her. She loves her crate and will go in it on her own at any time – it's not a punishment to her. It's her place of protection, her safe haven from her sisters when they pick on her, and usually a great place to find a stray treat…but a few weeks ago, Porkchop decided that she no longer wanted the plastic tray that was in the bottom of her crate, and rather preferred bare metal and blanket. She accomplished removal of this nuisance by strategically "eating" (did not ingest, but simply savored each morsel, setting them aside when done in approximately six inch squares) the plastic tray that was said bottom of the crate. Therefore, husband and I have been on a mission to replace it, since Houdini realized she can flip the crate on it's side and escape through the bottom openings.

Well, the replacement search as of current has been futile – we have had absolutely no success in finding any place that sells them. We are planning on buying a new crate, or something that will work as a replacement. We keep the crate in the living room – in front of the fireplace, at one extreme end of the house. Here's where it gets funny: when my husband left today and placed our wild child in the crate as usual, Porkchop, our PRECIOUS little angel, managed to walk herself through the house, while still in the crate, to the complete opposite side of our home. After apparently trying all doors until she found one that had accidentally been left ajar, she finally settled herself happily in the guest bedroom. When my husband came home, he found it odd that she was not in the living room….nor was the crate she typically escapes from. When he found her, she was happily sleeping in her mobile home, content with her new surroundings. If only our home had surveillance…it would be fascinating to see how our little dog managed to maneuver a 3 ft x 3 ft crate through the living room filled with furniture to stand in her way, down the hallway, past a bedroom, a bathroom, and into the guest room.

Thanks for the trip down memory lane...

So, somewhere around 10pm tonight, I had this undeniable urge to go riffling through old photos. I don't know if my subconscious was looking for something, or someone, but needless to say, I came across some things I had long forgotten, and others that had been happily left in the past.

It's funny how the tragedies of today do not seem so tragic tomorrow. How the important of today is insignificant tomorrow. How those you thought you would have in your life forever, mean nothing to you tomorrow. Or mean the world to you, and you mean nothing to them.

My old neighbor told me something that I live by...simple words, but they touched me so deeply that I keep them in the forefront of my mind. When things come and go, when people come and go (and sometimes come again), I remind myself of these brilliant, yet simple words: People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Being reminded of that tonight as I riffled through old pictures, forgotten memories left in a box to be found on a day like today, I came across familiar faces - people long since forgotten in the hustle and bustle of today. I miss the companionship of some, am glad for the lack of companionship of others, and wonder what happened to many of those people that fill the background of the photos - people not important enough to me at that moment to be in the foreground of the image.

Many of these people have found their way back into my worlds, or maybe it is that I've found my way back into theirs. The invention of Myspace and other such means has allowed people to stay in touch in a whole new way - and assists in answering many of those "what the hell happened to _______" questions.

So, as I put away the box of pictures of my life thus far, I'm reminded of where I came from and where I'm going - what life was like when I was five years younger, what I looked like 30lbs ago, what I was thinking when I took this picture, and how far more jaded I am today. I'm blessed for those that were reasons, and in a way am glad they are gone. I'm also blessed for those that were seasons, as well as those that will be seasons....while those are harder to move on from, they offered me the support, love, and/or strive (good and bad) to make myself a better person. And I'm very blessed for those willing and allowed to be a part of my lifetime.

I look at these faces long since forgotten, and I wonder what some of them are - are they the reason, and I'll never see them again? Are they the season, and I'll cross their paths somewhere along the roads of life again? Or will they become the lifetime?

Frustration is a part of life...it doesn't matter if you're wrong or right...

Frustration. Damnation. Motivation. Complication. Admiration. Vexation. Domination. Education. Agitation. Alliteration.

These all describe the way I feel at the moment. Disappointment abounds.

Help me...what words am I missing?

Lost in progress...

Somewhere along the way, I've lost my direction and drive to make this work. Everytime I think I'm making headway, something throws me back into the cloudy mud.

I went to the WnW reunion on Saturday. Tried to get Ian to go, which was unsuccessful. However, I ended up speading the evening after the event with him. Another innocent night of hanging out....yet, I feel my life sliding so simply around his.

After the reunion, I met him at the grocery store. Why did it feel like I was grocery shopping with my signifant other, stocking our house. Why is it that it wasn't weird pulling into his driveway (note: I just accidently typed "our driveway" without thinking), or carrying the groceries into the house (again with the involuntary "our") and helping him put the away. It felt like my home, like my space, and I was so comfortable. Should I feel that way?

His bedroom feels like our bedroom, his space like mine. While there's still an uncomfortableness, it's more along the lines of the unspoken, than the uncomfortable.

We played around and wrestled, and I feel silly for giggling during him trying to teach me the escrima moves. I wish that I hadn't giggled, but I felt silly.

We drove around in his new car, and he smoked out on the porch. Something's definitely changed between us....I wish I could talk to him about it. It hasn't been the same since he told me he loved me....I wonder if he regrets it.

While we were wrestling, he threw me down on the bed.....my heart started to race, and I thought for sure he was going to make a move. But in that moment, nothing else mattered but us....but as soon as he did it, he stopped....like he knew he couldn't go on. I wonder what he was thinking.

I miss him....and I love him. There goes progress....

.....am I willing to rock this world?

The mind is an interesting thing..

Facinating how the mind works. It's amazing how the most valuable and useful part of your body typically ends up being the most detrimental.

For crazy's like myself, the mind is particularly detrimental...you allow the mind to wander, and more often than not, it ends up in places it shouldn't be.

Shoulda known this morning that something was up...it started as a weird day. Ended even weirder. And everything in the middle...well, that was pretty much a blur.

On a side note, I closed two contracts today....just 26 more and 10 weeks to reach my goal. Not so stressful anymore. Absolutely possible. Okay, maybe only slightly terrifying..oops, there goes the wandering mind again.

I'm in need of vacation. Good thing I'm taking some time. Friday off (yeah! long weekend!) and lots of time next week/the following week. I need time to think...time to reflect...time to be. Must be one with the world...pray to Budda...something like that. Maybe I'll do yoga. Wait...who am I kidding. There goes that damn wandering mind again.

Does this mean I have ADD?