Can you get arrested for a pre-meditated wreck?

Ok, so here's the deal. I've had enough. I've decided that I'm gonna do what I've been saying for year's I'm gonna do. It's time I take action into my own hands.

I came to this realization on my way home from the grocery store this evening. I was minding my own business, driving slightly over the speed limit when a car crossed two lanes of traffic, "like totally paused" in the median, and pulled out in front of my vehicle with less than 20 feet between my 55 mile per hour moving Jeep and the side of his vehicle. In order to avoid an expensive end to his poor judgment call, I swirved my SUV into the adjacent lane (the EMPTY lane, mind you), and laid on the horn for good measure. After saying several explitives and cutting him off (one good deed deserves another, right?), I made the decision that I was going to take action into my hands.

So, here's the plan. I'm going to by an old car, something unimpressive, with a really shitty body, but that's built like a tank. I'm going to have Ben fashion a full restraint in the car, a neck support, and I'm going to buy a helmet. Then, I'm gonna set out on the road. I will drive normal, safe, and with a sensible mind. However, if somebody decides to act like the fool ealier tonight, I will not swirve. I will not move. I will plow into their precious car at full speed, without breaking, to help make them realize how absolutely stupid, inconsiderate, and dangerous they are. The best part - I lose nothing. I am the one protected, with the crappy tank of a car, that can handle the damage. Them....probably not so much.

So, here's my only thought....can I get in trouble or arrested for pre-meditation? I mean, if I have the helmet, the restraint, all the protection I need, and I don't even try to brake, despite the fact that it's their fault, can I get in trouble?

Sounds great, right? Maybe I'll start a new business. Anyone interested?

New Year's Resolution Update...

It's 2008, and time for a final review of my 2007 new year's resolutions, as well as making my 2008 resolutions.

- Spend more time with my husband. Individual time...quality time. Not, let's run to the grocery store time. So, overall, I think we've done better at this. Definitely can work towards more in 2008, but I think our time together may have become more limited at times, it was quality when we had it.

- Further my education. This does not have to be in the form of actual schooling, but I want to learn more about something. It doesn't even have to be school related, or degree related. I just want to enlighten myself more. Anyone have any suggestions? I have read, read, and read somemore. I've learned some more. Goals for 2008: look into Graduate school more actively and learn to scrapbook.

- Focus on my health. Ah, the innevitable blip about how I do not focus enough on my health goals, and therefore every year challenge myself to do something about it. This year will be no different. At least, in the challenge that is. Hopefully, with some due dilegence, the outcome will change. Focus includes getting rid of excess weight, unwanted cough, blood pressure medicine, and crazy pills. Crazy pills would be an amazing feat....those are likely with me for life. So my health has been a bit of a rollercoaster....but overall, it's been much better than before. I haven't stuck to the gym like I should, but I have dropped approximately 15 lbs since last year that has remained off, and overall I feel healthier than ever.

- Be happier. Stop going through the motions of life and enjoy them. Take some time to stop and smell the roses. Definitely made huge strides here. I have stopped to smell a lot of roses, and worried a lot less.

- See friends and family more. Spend that free time seeing people that you don't normalily get to. See friends as much as possible. Visit family as much as possible. Friends has gotten better...family needs to be seen more.

- Plan outings. Go to them. That's gonna be carried over to 2008.

- Eliminate something significant off that "always wanted to do list." Current ideas: make the t-shirt quilt (this could also serve as the education, since I would need both to complete this task), jump out of a plane, visit California, just to name a few. Ideas? Ok, so I've done a lot of firsts this year....and still coming up with new ones all the time.

- Get myself promoted and out of this current position as near as possible to September 1st. This goal is actually carried over from 2006, but can not be accomplished earlier than the September 1st date. I told myself I'd be in this position for a year...Sept. 1st will be the one year date. Yeah....that's a mess.

- Do not quit my job in March. Sounds silly, I know, but I have a track record of 3.5 years with a company. March 07 will be my 3.5 year mark. I don't have any intentions of leaving, and do not really want to, but it all starts out that way. If I do leave, make it worth while. Still there and ticking!

- Love more, argue less. Smile more, pout less. Definitely improved.

- Overcome my cold calling weaknesses. Not even a fear anymore.

- Don't get fired. So, I don't think I'm at risk, but....well....you never know. =)

- Learn to love my current position. Yeah, another long storry.

- Complete this list prior to December 31, 2007. Not bad....

An amazing quote...

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." - Maya Angelo

A glimpse inside my mind...

A glimpse inside my mind right now and the thoughts that have ensued. I am spurned, scorned, angry and upset...and I thank music for allowing me to express it.

While things didn't happen the way they should and I was shafted by people I trusted (big mistake), I have been reminded that when one door closes, another one opens. So thank you, Senior Management. Thank you for reminding me that I am better than this. Thank you for allowing me to remember that I deserve more, want more, need more, will accept nothing but more. Thank you for that motivation. You have no idea what you are losing.

You don't know how you got here, you just know you want out. Believing in yourself, almost as much as you doubt. – U2

My only words of wisdom are "radio edit" – Kid Rock

I'm for the low man on the totem pole, and I'm for the underdog god bless his soul. – Gretchen Wilson

I'm just one of many who can't get no respect. – Gretchen Wilson

I guess my opinion is all out of style, don't get me started because I can get wild. And I'll make a fight for the four father's plan. Hell the world already knows where I stand. – Gretchen Wilson

I try so hard not to get upset, because I know all the trouble I'll get. – Til Tuesday

And I try so hard to keep it inside, so no one can hear – Til Tuesday

You don't know how you took it, you just know what you got. – U2

You're a big smash, you wear it like a rash – U2

Gravity is working against me. And gravity wants to bring me down. – John Mayer

Just keep me where the light is – John Mayer

When it gets cold and it feels like the end, there's no place to go, you know I won't give in. – Avril Lavigne

There's nothing you could say, nothing you could do. There's no other way when it comes to the truth. So keep holding on, cause you'll make it through. – Avril Lavigne

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe. Nothing's gonna change destiny. Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly. – Avril Lavigne

And I was swept away with nothin' left to say. Some helpless fool… - Live

Life is like a shooting star, it don't matter who you are. If you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time. We are lost 'til we are found, this phoenix rises up from the ground and all these wars are over. – Live

I never made promises lightly – Sting

I would never wish bad things but I don't wish you well….could you tell by the flames that burned your words? – Kelly Clarkson

Give me that Sunday school answer…try to make it all okay. – Kelly Clarkson

Repent yourself away – Kelly Clarkson

Never again will I want to – Kelly Clarkson

They may believe you, but I never will….never again. – Kelly Clarkson

Don't believe in fear, don't believe in faith. Don't believe in anything that you can't break. – Garbage

You stupid girl….all you had you wasted. – Garbage

What drives you on can drive you mad. – Garbage

Don't believe in anything that you can't waste – Garbage

I thought you'd be out of my mind and I'd finally find a way to learn to live without you. I thought it was just a matter of time. Till I had hundred reasons not to think about you. But it's just not so and after all this time, I still can't let go. – Cult

I'm trying to escape you and I know there ain't no way to chase you from my mind. – Cult

There's a message in the wire, and I'm sending you this signal tonight. You don't know how desperate I've become and it looks like I'm losing this fight. In your world I have no meaning, though I'm trying hard to understand. – Allison Krauss

Why can't you see what you're doing to me? When you don't believe a word I say? We can't go on together with suspicious minds. And we can't build our dreams on suspicious minds. – Elvis Presley

You know I gave you the world. You had me in the palm of your hand. – Justin Timberlake

Don't want to think about it, don't want to talk about it, I'm just so sick about it. Can't believe it's ending this way. Just so confused about it, feeling the blues about it, I just can't do without ya, tell me is this fair? – Justin Timberlake

Is this the way it's really going down? Is this how we say goodbye? Should've known better when you came around that you were gonna make me cry. – Justin Timberlake

What goes around comes all the way back around. – Justin Timberlake

You cheated, my heart bleeds, so it goes withouth saying that you left me feeling hurt. Just a classic case, a scenario, tale as old as time. – Justin Timberlake

Can you help me unravel my latest mistake? – Anna Nalick

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button, so cradle your head in your hands and breath… - Anna Nalick

There's a light at each end of this tunnel. You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out. And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again. If you only try turning around. – Anna Nalick

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside me, threatening the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd cause the words are my diary, screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them, however you want to. – Anna Nalick

I walked around my good intentions and found that there were none – Our Lady Peace

I blame myself for being too much like somebody else. I never thought I would just bend this way then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong. – Our Lady Peace

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me. But this could be the best day of my life. – Our Lady Peace

Express yourself, don't repress yourself. – Madonna

And I'm not sorry, it's human nature. I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me. – Madonna

You wouldn't let me say the words I longed to say, you didn't want to see life through my eyes. You tried to shove me back inside your narrow room and silence me with bitterness and lies. – Madonna

Oops, I didn't know I couldn't speak my mind. – Madonna

You punished me for telling you my fantasies. I'm breaking all the rules I didn't make. You took my words and made a trap for silly fools, you held me down and tried to make me break. Did I say something true? I musta been crazy. Did I have a point of view? Oops, I didn't know we couldn't talk about you. – Madonna.

I'm not apologizing. You're the one with the problem. Why don't you just deal with it? – Madonna

I have no regrets. Just look in the mirror. – Madonna

Mama says idle hands make devils handywork – LeAnn Rimes

Forgive…sounds good. Forget, I'm not sure I could. They say time heals all wounds…I'm still waiting. – Dixie Chicks

I'm through with doubt. There's nothing left for me to figure out. I've paid a price and I'll keep paying. – Dixie Chicks

I'm not ready to make nice, I'm not ready to back down. I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to round and round and round. It's too late to make it right, I probably wouldn't if I could. Because I'm mad as hell can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should. – Dixie Chicks

I know what you said…"Can't you just get over it?" It turned my whole life around and I kind of like it. – Dixie Chicks

I've seen the devil, stared him straight in the eyes. – Van Zant

Yeah, I've been down that road, and I ain't goin back again. – Van Zant

I caused more damage than a hurricane. I broke your heart and didn't feel a thing. – Van Zant

Wow...

Lots has been going on with me the past few weeks, but something happened today that had a much larger impact on me and my life than anything else. I learned something today....and I want to share it with the world.

I learned selflessness. I learned humbleness. I learned the meaning of true, unconditional love. I am married to the most amazing man. This I knew...believe me, he's been wonderful. But, today, I learned how lucky I truly am to have someone as amazing as him in my life.

Sometimes I'm not nice to him. Sometimes I'm a downright bitch to him. Honestly, I think I make a pretty shitty wife. And overall, I often wonder why the hell he stays with me. But I've known all along that he loves me, truly and deeply. And today, I finally recongized it. I saw it. I felt it. And it moved me to tears.

I will keep the details to myself, as they are a part of my private life that I choose not to share right now, but they involve medical procedures and my self esteem. Due to circumstances that I do not want to currently discuss, my hopes of getting this procedure done were squashed. This is something I've wanted all my life, and while I have not talked about it that much prior to the potential of this happening, it became very apparent to him how important this was to me.

I never would have expected anyone to act as selflessly as he did. When my hopes of affording this were dashed, he has decided to use money from his retirement to make me happy. This is no small change...this is thousands and thousands of dollars. He is giving this to me as my Christmas present. I'm amazed and astounded and I can't stop getting choked up. This is so much more than a Christmas present. This is an expression of his love and devotion for me, and his desire to make me happy, regardless of the cost or importance to him.

I learned what love was today. My heart swells with how lucky I am to have someone so amazing in my life. He is the other half of me....the half that I want to become.

I love you, Benji. I love you for who you are and what you are and everything about you. You are my best friend, my love, my heart, my soul, my everything. Thank you for loving me. I hope I can show that love to you and then some. I'm a lucky woman.

P.S. - He's so amazing. He just brought me dinner without me asking. And he stitched up our dog, and didn't yell at me when I did something stupid. I'm a lucky woman.

Finding my way home...

I received a call today...a call that for years would be the one that would change my life. The one that would give me clarity and peace, sadness and joy, a sense of completion and justice. It happened. It's over.

I don't know what to think, I don't know what to feel. I am numb, feeling nothing and everything at the same time. I feel a sense of peace, I feel a sense of happiness, I feel a sense of sadness. Why is it that death, the loss of someone, causes the emotions? And what emotions are you supposed to feel when you don't care that the death has happened? When the person that has died has done something horrible to you, and you can't make yourself be sad. I want to be sad. I want to not be the same person that he was, the one who felt no remorse when he did unforgivable acts he did. I want to forgive. I want to forget. But how do you?

I'm watching Crash. Such a beautiful movie about people, about human nature. I watch this, and I hear these words...the poignant words that are so significant right now.

Officer Ryan: You think you know who you are?

[Officer Hanson nods]

Officer Ryan: You have no idea.

Ria: I think we spun around twice, and somewhere in there one of us lost our frame of reference.

Ria: And I'm gonna go look for it...

Christine: I just couldn't stand to see that man take away your dignity.

It's been a while...

My imptetuous ramblings have been slim to none recently, and I thought it was time for an update on where I've been.

I wish I could say that my lack of writing has been for all positive things, but that would not be accurate...I've had both good and bad happen recently, and my mind has run a million miles a minute, leaving no time to type out my ramblings.

Where do I begin?

Work has been stressful recently, and extraneous circumstances have caused me to again question my happiness in what I am doing and my diligence with this job. Decisions on a high level seem to be coming full circle, and I often find myself reviewing the last year of my career and wondering how it is that I feel like I have come a long way, and yet the vision we are all working towards is ever changing. I constantly feel as though I am trying to reinvent myself, and get derailed by yet another seemingly senseless decision by individuals not actively in the field. I will not air our dirtly laundry here....I respect the vision, I support the vision, I believe in the vision....what I don't believe in, what I don't have faith in is truly neither here nor there. However, it has certainly given me clarity as to what I want my future to hold, and what I feel is important to me. The words integrity, happiness, and respect have never felt so valuable to me as they do now.

On the flip side, I have grown tremendously, and do believe that if I put my heart and soul behind anything, I can do it. I always believed this, but sometimes get derailed and have to be reminded. I am now reminded and do not feel tasked or challenged the way I did in the past....is that an inkling that I may be ready to move on to a new role soon? Who knows....I do like the money, I do like the freedom, but I do like a challenge. And there's a big difference between a challenge and stress....

Okay, I didn't come on this to complain about work. I am honestly happy, overall, and have some negative days but am trying to keep a positive outlook. I have been slighted recently, in a pretty major way, but they are currently making attempts to redeem themselves, and therefore, I will not put all the dirty laundry out there to be read by the world. I will store this for a time of rejoice or disappointment. Cross your fingers and hope for rejoice!

Ben has struggled recently with some health challenges. A fairly simple infection turned serious when it spread in his face, and landed him in the Emergency Room. A stressful week turned into another stressful week, followed by an appointment with our family doctor, only to find out that the bacterial infection he was dealing with was seriously life threatening, and he should have been hospitalized or under fairly constant doctor supervision. Neither of these happened, and while I do not dwell on the past, and he seems to be ahead of it, it is scary to think that things could have gone very, very wrong.

While at the doctor's office, Ben made mention of a bump on the base of his left middle finger. The doctor felt it, said it's a benign cyst on the tendon (I guess that's similiar to a tumor) and that it must be removed as a small but decent percentage can be cancerous. Not really what we want to here when he was just told minutes before that many people have died recently from the bacterial infection that he had. I'm confident all will be fine, but Ben has always been the rock, and the healthy one, and this caught all of us by surprise.

Life has been crazy in general, between traveling and friends, events, and weddings, neighborhood shenanigans, and the like. Some days I want to crawl under my blanket and not see the light of day. Oh, do I yearn for one night of sleep that is uninterupted by the sounds of dog barks, me being crowded out of bed by 12 little doggie paws, or the light of morning. Neither Ben nor I have been sleeping well.

Porkchops allergies are back, and she's chewing a lot. It's not too bad, but she ends up itching a lot at night, which is another thing that wakes me up when her mad scratching starts as 3am. I kick her out of bed, which makes me feel back since she's obviously uncomfortable, but at 3am, she's lucky I don't put her outside. I'm not pleasant when awoken at ungodly hours of the night.

Ok, it is 11pm and the incessant yawning makes it clear that it is well past my bedtime. I'm hooked on Ghost Hunter's....what can I say?